Relations & Sex

Less sex after living together, is that so bad?

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It is a well known problem in the practice of the sex therapist: couples go in together and find that their sex drive and logically also the frequency with which they have sex decreases. We posed three questions to two sex therapists: what is the cause of less sex among cohabiting couples, it is actually a problem, and how can you solve?

How is it that the sense be affected if we live together?

“In the verliefdheidsfase you get the sex drive more or less as a gift. Take a relationship a little longer, then that changes,” says Minke de Boer, the psychologist and sexologist NVVS, involved in sexologists-collectively the Bedweters. “People often only live together if they each other for a long time know. If they just live together there is seksgebied a small peak (- this is what you see in the monitor the sexual health of Rutgers) if they already live together then take it down. That is, in any case, something that in practice we hear.”

“Eventually it becomes easier to sex to bed, ‘ explains sexologist Eveline Stallaart of practice ESSH . “I have other things on my mind, a busy job, my friends maintain. Then it is sometimes just difficult to have quality time with your head from the screens to come. Before you know it the 12 hours and then we are tired and go to sleep. What you will also hear is that people – especially ladies – think: “it must be there but once again come’. Then you get that it is a bit of a must. Sex is also on auto-pilot lies in wait.”


The Farmer: “People have both a need for autonomy and connectedness. That balance is pretty precarious. If you, as a couple the whole time next to each other on the sofa, you do together shopping, you are going along to friends, then there might be a lot connection. But in order for someone to desire is some distance required. The other can become more attractive if he or she is more autonomous and regulated really something for itself. Someone is attractive when he is in his element. Dare so sometimes for yourself to choose and to do something independently of the other. On the other hand, you should also make time for each other, so as partners, a lot of separate ones, carry that back to the relationship.”

Finally, wear according to The Farmer also get to know each other’s less attractive sides – something that moved in together in no time – and any unequal mutual expectations not contribute to a thriving sex life. That are actually a lot of factors.

It Is very to little to have sex?

Stallaart: “It is only a problem if one of the two will find that there is too little happening between the sheets, the balance sheet and therefore do not. It is important to the discussion.” In inequality in desires, misunderstanding and tensions around the corner come have a look. “Then you get that who want sex to the door knocks for people who have less wants, which is to mutual anger and misunderstanding can lead. I think it is important to identify where the anger is about; you feel rejected, not desired, not understood or overvraagd? And in what ways that to yourself, and your self-image? Sexuality touches us so deeply because the multi-level play.”, explains De Boer. “And then, people want to really like the other changes to the own pain or anger, not to feel more, but it is also very important to reflect on your own behavior. As you get longer lives hit those patterns deep cut.”

And if both partners is okay with it? “If you’re against each other, says: ‘we have been so busy that it doesn’t really, but we find it great to have so much time per month to keep’, then there is zero reason to make a change,” says Stallaart. To compare with other couples or with averages that you in the media come across, you can, as a couple, find that you’re too little to do – also if you actually have to have peace with the low frequency. The Farmer: “That can mean two things: you dènkt that how often you do it is not normal.

Three times per month

But not everyone is doing it two times a week, even though you hear that often. That we have twice a week sex would have came from a Durex study conducted among volunteers, that is, after all, is not a reliable sample. While the people that condoms are generally not the people who are already very long time together. Those numbers are not so reliable. From the monitor sexual health in the Netherlands from Rutgers to come much more realistic figures to the fore: the average Dutch person has three times a month sex.”

We need the sex, but plans?

Both sexologists are of the opinion that the plan is indeed working, but not in the sense of: we need on Saturday night at 9 pm have sex. It comes to the planning of a situation where sex can happen. That may be a long evening, with comprehensive discussions or a party, try to think of what you fit. “For example, say: the Friday night is for us,” advises The Farmer. “Go do something fun, make time for each other. So, you are responsible for a situation in which intimacy and sexuality can arise. Sex does not do so well when pressure is on or if there are achievements attached, as in: there must be penetrated or I need to cum.”

Stallaart compares sex with a fire that is burning must be taken. “It is also good to occasionally have a quickie, or something with your hand or mouth to do. And I think that it is very important that you with each other agree: if one takes the initiative, then I will go there in any case.”

We get that heyday of the beginning then never return? De Boer: “There can be times that there is a little flame is kindled that was to smolder. But in general, the crackling fireworks of the first period, never to return. But there are a lot of other beautiful things instead.”

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