Like it or not, Donald Trump is going to be the Republican candidate when we all head to the voting booth on Tuesday, November 8th. Having risen from a sea of half-hearted conservative hacks that would lose a debate to a post office box, he’s captivated the nation’s attention with his quoteworthy one-liners and his tendency to put his foot in his mouth repeatedly while his numbers rise with each idiotic statement.
Before we go any further, let me state that I do not identify as a liberal. If Hillary Clinton ends up being president, this country could very well end up in a very confused continuance of the problems our current political structure seems to have perfected cranking out. It’s a very bad field of dim-witted shitheads to select from, and in our case it’s very unfortunate that whoever ends up being disliked the least will end up being the 45th president of the United States of America. In short, no matter what happens…we’re fucked.
That’s one of the many reasons why I’ve never really put too much effort into analyzing politics. No matter who ends up sleeping in the White House, none of these morons can take away my work ethic. And for the record, I don’t really give a floating fuck how “red state” that sounds because I’m great at what I do and no politician can or will ever take that away from me. I don’t spend my time online posting memes with unverified statistics, because I’m too busy being far and away the best at what I do.
However, Hollywood and other fragments of the entertainment industry are a little bit different. Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, it’s hard to deny that folks who dress up in prom clothing and hand each other golden statues every three weeks won’t even come close to understanding the plight of a guy who lays concrete in Northern Missouri fifty five hours a week to pay his ex-wife’s divorce attorneys. The latest example of this craze is actors, musicians, and comedians who are threatening to leave the country if Donald Trump gets elected.
First of all, yeah right. These are all people who work in the entertainment industry, and cannot continue to make the money they make in Toronto or Montreal. That’s not a knock on Canada, as it’s a beautiful country with tons of really cool stuff to do in those major cities as well as Vancouver. But Los Angeles and New York are the epicenters of the American entertainment industry, and these individuals aren’t going to pack up and leave only to fly into LAX every Sunday night so they can make it to the set of whatever shitty television show or movie it is that they’re making that week. That’s why none of these artists’ agents are panicking the least bit about these statements, because they are nothing more than empty threats made by people with no real backbone.
Second, if they are stupid enough to decide to set up shop elsewhere on this rock that’s rotating around the sun they wouldn’t just be leaving behind their careers, they would also be leaving behind their friends and families in the process of doing so. Although these people are very rich and famous, I’d be willing to bet that none of them would be willing to fork over the amount of money necessary to provide their families with the same Ryder search at customs. Additionally, I’d like to point out how shitty and selfish it would be to do that based on one asshole getting elected to political office. Distancing yourself from your loved ones hardly seems like it is something worth doing all because of the presidential voting process not going the way you wanted it to.
Lastly, what do these people hope to accomplish by making these claims? Do they really expect that people will follow their lead and agree to do the same thing? And do these people who share the same beliefs that are fans of theirs believe they are going to be treated less shitty by said celebrities if they cross paths? If you’re of the male gender and you see a famous actress in Calgary who moved to the country only because Hillary Clinton had four whole years to get her shit together again, do you think you’ll be able to walk up to her in a restaurant and instantly be friends after you share that the two of you had the same relocation strategy? Fuck no. Their bodyguard is likely going to come over, grab you by your fucking neck and slam you up against the wall, and you’re going to deserve it because you’re stupid.
So who are these loudmouths that are writing checks their asses won’t be able to cash once their assets are converted into foreign currency? Let’s take a look and see who is talking tough, but will soon be tweeting quietly…
Baby boomers and other people about a half generation older than myself inform me that Whoopi Goldberg was once a successful comedian. This always shocks me because all of the clips I’ve seen of her performing on YouTube are terrible, and regardless of how many times she’s killed on stage in the past she probably couldn’t do a solid ten minutes if somebody pushed her on stage at the Belly Room of The Comedy Store tonight. I’ve also never heard anybody put on a Whoopi Goldberg album or load one of her specials to Netflix, and just about every one of my friends is as big of a comedy nut as I am. Her main gig these days is co-host of this repulsive morning talk show entitled “The View”, where a bunch of women who are too lazy to start their own book club sit around and have a camera crew videotape their thoughts. They are notorious for telling their sheep herd viewers what to say, do, wear, and think about social issues. I hate to proverbially crack anybody’s skull here (not really) but let’s be honest…If your opinions on the world around you can be severely influenced by Joy Behar and the woman who played DJ Tanner on Full House, when the shit really goes down you will be the first ones eaten or burned for fuel. The show takes place on ABC, a network that is currently getting fucking clobbered in the ratings daily by Country Music Television, Bravo, and that fake Cable Ten public access channel that housed the first incarnation of Wayne’s World in the original Saturday Night Live sketch. Heading up the race relations discussion every morning is Whoopi Goldberg, a former comic and actress who may or may not have licked Ted Danson’s asshole when they were together. Her real name is Caryn Elaine, and her nickname actually came from the fact that she used to pass wind in public at every given opportunity. So you’d think I’d be a huge fan, but Ms. Goldberg spends an exorbitant amount of time trying to convince every white person who will listen that we are all guilty for the mistakes of our ancestors. It’s kind of interesting that she has spent so much energy bashing Trump, because his candidacy is probably the best thing that’s happened to her career so far to date. Speaking of “The View”…
Staying on the topic of what’s easily the worst show on TV, we’ve got ourselves another real winner from the worthless world of ABC morning television: Raven Symone. For those of you over the age of thirty who don’t know who this woman is, congratulations…you aren’t a pedophile. It’s kind of humorous to me that people will say they “don’t identify with labels” until it fits their narrative, and this woman’s life has been a timeline chock full of examples of said hypocrisy. This is the friend you know who “identifies” as an atheist, but then second somebody cracks a Holocaust joke they bring up the fact that they are Jewish. Don’t forget this is someone who is only famous because of Bill Cosby; whom we’ve recently learned should have probably been doing anything other than giving us hidden messages about which direction to point our own moral compasses. Totally ridiculous. Through all of this I must have missed that she has actually put out five records, which I’m assuming feature songs that are all about “Finding yourself”, “Staying true to your roots”, and “continuously dyeing your hair at the request of a stylist who clearly wants to make sure that you never do those first two things”. In the age of the television personality, she’s nothing more than just one more person on a terrible talk show that is ruining the panel format who happens to smear every one of her shart stains on every fragment of the entertainment industry. Either way, it’s a good thing she didn’t grow up to be a stand-up comic…otherwise her TV Dad would have tried to “tuck her in”. Who knows…maybe he already did, and maybe that’s why she’s so terrified of the male genitalia in the first place.
I have to admit, I liked Miley Cyrus’ 2013 album “Bangerz”. There were at least four or five single quality tracks on that record, and on one of them she somehow performed the unthinkable task of making Nelly relevant again. But she has to be the last person in the world I’d look to for political commentary, and upon going over her Wikipedia page she is one of these lunatics that actually believe the term pansexuality is so distant from bisexuality that we actually feel like we need two terms to differentiate between what is essentially the same thing. Cyrus has publicly stated that she thinks Donald Trump is a “fucking nightmare” on Instagram, although I think most of us know a situation where you are more likely to wake up in a fit of night sweats swearing uncontrollably would be the sad realization that you’re following fucking Miley Cyrus on Instagram. Earlier I had stated that very few of these people would be able to do what they do without flying into LAX at least 25 times a year, and out of all eight of our subjects today it would be hard to argue that Miley isn’t the most Los Angeles-dependent of the bunch. Seriously, without LA Miley Cyrus won’t be able to work and continue to annoy the shit out of all of us from her home base of Cancer, California…population: her. Would she even be able to function in her daily life at all without residence in the City of Angels? I doubt it. Let me get this straight: You do bucketfuls of ecstasy all day long, and you’re going to bail on a city that does everything short of passing them off as breathmints at Narconon meetings? Yeah, that seems reasonable. Sit down, little girl… Good luck getting the rest of America to jump ship with you, it’s common knowledge you started out as nothing more than a haploid in the nutsack of the guy who sang “Achy Breaky Heart”.
This one is kind of tough for me because although I like Stewart a lot, his shtick really hit a brick wall when Obama got elected. Without Bush to kick around, he sort of relied on John Boehner to be his punching bag and to me that sort of sucked the gas out of the whole thing. (And don’t even get me started on how poorly his replacement is doing…) Out of all of these celebrities who are threatening relocation, Stewart is the one guy whom I wouldn’t fault for actually following through on his plans to bail on the country that made him famous. If Jon Stewart moved to Canada to retire, who could really blame him? And if he chose to move to Canada to re-launch his post-Daily Show career, he could be the biggest thing to hit the Great White North since Bryan Adams wrote that piano ditty from the Kevin Costner movie back in the early nineties. He could make hundreds of millions of dollars in a few short years by having his own late-night talk show there, and the CBC and its viewers would eat every bit of it up. But given the many years of charity work he’s done with the USO, I think the guilt that might catch up with him if he actually planned to do it would be too much and he’d change his mind.
Bye. See ya later, douchebag. This turkey neck lookin’ son-of-a-bitch couldn’t fly out of this country any faster if he were strapped to a rocket. The dude spent decades complaining about African Americans not getting their fair shot in politics, then Barry O becomes the main man and he’s still on TV whining about race relations? Look, I get it. I totally understand that black men and women get the short end of the stick and that sucks ass. It really does. But instead of turning to thought provoking voices of reason like President Obama and Kmele Foster, a majority of our airtime race discussion is moderated by people like Al Sharpton and Melissa Harris-Perry who are driving their cause back eight hundred miles a second with every word that comes out of their mouth. If Trump is elected, out of all of these people this windowlicker is the one I do hope leaves and leaves quickly. Is there an MSNBC Canada? Because if there is, I’m sure his next gig is destined for the cutting floor already and it hasn’t even started filming yet. I could sit here and bash Sharpton all day long, but all you have to do to see him act like the thoughtless sack of shit he truly is look up any video on YouTube in which he talks for more than three consecutive seconds and he’ll do my work for me. I’ll even post a link for you that prove his reading comprehension skills are hardly cable news network-ready…
Former television star and outspoken skiing safety enthusiast Cher has been quoted as saying “If he were to be elected, I’m moving to Jupiter”. Seems fitting that a former disco star who has a lower voice than 80% of the male voting population would end up in the galaxy’s largest collection of gas, because no matter where and when she opens her mouth her lapel mic picks up more farts than the seat in a booth at your local Old Country Buffet. I guess I’m a little shocked that Cher is still on this planet, and that’s no bullshit. I figured she had gone to the big downhill duet in the sky and reunited with that guy she married from the same era that looked like Freddie Prinze but wasn’t nearly as funny. Cher seems to get a free pass on the whole “crazy” card. She disappears for years at a time to the point where people forgot whether she’s still alive, and then when she says something weird or outlandish we act as if she’s too much of an icon to label her mentally unstable. Fuck that, Cher is nuts. She’s one of these wackjobs that thinks she only needs to have one name because she is so much of a legend. How many Cher songs can you name off of the top of your head? See, she’s not all that. Madonna may not require that the name Ciccone be printed on all of her tickets, but she’s also worth half of a billion dollars so I get it. Cher probably isn’t worth half that much dipped in gold, and far from somebody whose political analysis I would trust in any given forum. In an time where metal illness is a more of a hot-button offense trigger than ever, the real victims here are those who can’t even point out that people like Cher probably spend hours talking to her toothbrush before bed every night. She is hardly qualified to tell you who should be the next president. And if you cited “I’ve Got You, Babe” as a recognizable Cher song when I put it up for the challenge, it had better be – that was fifty one fucking years ago. Your time has passed, old woman…move on.
Since I don’t watch a whole lot of movies, I don’t really know who Jennifer Lawrence is. I do know this: When I went to research her take on this subject the first link that came up was from an October article on people.com, my go-to source for everything that makes me understand why some of the people I went to high school with committed suicide. The pop-up ad which began playing immediately was a fake car chase which was being led by a Toyota Prius, leading me to believe that people.com’s target audience is preteens between the age of eleven and thirteen who think a wiffle ball bat is a deadly weapon. Anyway, in the article Lawrence was quoted as saying “If Donald Trump becomes president, that will be the end of the world.” This is the kind of psychotic, delusional ethos of thinking that we’re dealing with out in Los Angeles. That somewhere there is this gigantic “Trump Button” that will immediately cause the earth to explode from its core the second he gets elected. The only two countries that have access to the explosives that might mimic such a device would be Iran and North Korea. If you’ve ever read anything about Kim Jong Un and the fertilizer that’s left of his father, you’ll know that he is a huge fan of American entertainment and American basketball is one of his favorite sports. And as for Iran, Trump has so much money that even if they do want to kill him – something can probably be worked out monetarily so that doesn’t happen. Returning to Lawrence, after digging a little bit deeper I have learned that she was in the “Hunger Games” films. For those of you not familiar with that series of movies, the storyline involves a bunch of kids who fight for their lives in a bizarre tournament where they end up killing each other. (Which isn’t very consistent with liberalism, a practice that only approves of killing kids when they’re still in the womb…Huh.) Anyhoo, in this set of motion pictures Lawerence’s character is a very tough individual with a stubborn demeanor and is generally not well-liked by her peers. Remind you of anybody? I get that it’s just a movie, but there is an amount of hypocrisy in bashing someone whose persona resembles one you used to get fucking filthy crazy rich. It probably isn’t a huge steaming landfill-sized pile of hypocrisy, but it’s there.
Samuel L. Jackson
This one is a bit disappointing here, as well as quite contradictory. Sam is a fantastic actor, but his statement that his “black ass will be moving to South Africa if (Trump) gets elected” definitely suggests that Trump’s attitude towards the African-American community is what would cause his departure from America. Sadness set aside, this is hilarious when you consider that SLJ has appeared in several movies directed by Quentin Tarantino, who uses the N-word so much you’d think he was getting paid by the shackle. But why would Jackson need to move? Trump ain’t got shit on him. Sam is one of the biggest movie stars in the world, and was somehow able to take the piece of shit that was the script for “Snakes on a Plane” and make it into a cult hit. I don’t want him to move at all, I want to see what he can do over the next twenty or so years because he’s a total badass. Plus, if all of Trump’s security people wise up and realize what a stuck-up piece of shit he is, abandon their responsibility of ensuring his protection, and then he’s beaten to death by an angry mob, we’ll know which shot was Jackson’s: It’ll be the ring imprint that reads “Bad Mother Fucker” backwards. Please stay, Sam. I’m begging you.
Lewis Black has this great bit on “In God We Rust” where he talks about how when he hears the two sides of the political landscape arguing with each other, all he hears is dogs barking. This would prove to be true today, as in this case the leader of the pack is a mastiff which has never been groomed. Once again to clarify I’m hardly a Republican or Democrat by any stretch of imagination or definition, and have no intention of voting for Donald Trump when November rolls around. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to uproot myself and everything I’ve worked so hard for in lieu of his occupation of the White House. These celebrity statements hold no real value at all, and I’d be shocked if any of the eight people I just mentioned followed through and packed their bags.
Spring is coming, so don’t let the day-to-day musings of a guy who got fired from doing a show where he fires people change the way you spend time with your family. But no matter what you do, don’t let his lunatic rants modify your plans for the future and where you will spend it. America needs sensible, informed people to point out the guy’s many shortcomings should he get the job. In an era of technological revolution, with all of the stupid shit Trump tweets to the masses via his phone this technology could actually be used to help bring his impeachment should his douchebaggery reach new levels of epic stupidity. You really want to miss that shit? Don’t give up that easily, you’re better than that.
If Donald Trump ends up becoming president it will not likely alter my daily life, and you shouldn’t let it have an effect on yours either. The Senate Republicans aren’t going to soon forget that he skipped CPAC this weekend, so it’s almost unthinkable to assume they are going to pass any legislation that is introduced because of the trickle-down effect of his fleeting thoughts. I do understand the slippery slope argument, but keep in mind for that to happen the core belief system of an individual has to match that of the office they hold. In other words, Donald Trump might become president but in order for his mindset to trickle down unto the masses that will absorb his insanity those beliefs are going to have to be on a hill higher than the one at the top of the steps to the Capitol.
That is simply not going to happen, because that motherfucker’s ideals are in a sewer somewhere in Northern Virginia. Settle down, and don’t make any snap judgments. Be better than the shell of a man you’re attacking. Most importantly, don’t panic. Nobody’s going anywhere.