by Ryan Meehan
This week some very disturbing news broke that pop singer and poor taste in men expert Katy Perry will be this year’s Super Bowl halftime entertainment. This news was met with high praise from young deaf males all across this great country of ours, and confusion from the rest of us. Actually, as much as I completely hate this – I do understand it. The Super Bowl halftime show is primarily directed towards individuals who might not be the biggest fans of the game itself, and are desperately looking for something to make them look interested at the party they’re attending. To be perfectly honest, I don’t hate everything that Katy Perry does. I actually don’t mind that “Supernatural” song she did a few years back, but the problem with that is if she decided to perform it at the Super Bowl Kanye West would have to show up and do his part. Of course, that opens the door for a myriad of things that could go wrong and would probably cause a situation where from that point forward the NFL would have to conduct extensive psychological background checks on every single potential performer. But all truth be told, Katy Perry has created a lot of jobs for young women who would otherwise be on the street having sex for money. If you look like Katy Perry and you want to make a name for yourself in the adult film industry, there are millions of dollars waiting for you in Van Nuys as long as you can hum the chorus to “California Girls” with a mouthful of man sausage. So thanks to her instead of these girls being picked up by old men on the streets of LA, they are instead being filmed doing essentially the same thing but at least they are doing it in a comfortable environment as opposed to the back seat of a station wagon. Isn’t this country great sometimes? But enough of all that nonsense, let’s take a look at what actually happened on the field in week six of the 2014 NFL season.
Colts 33, Texans 28
This was very odd: The NFL held a football game on Thursday night and it wasn’t a total blowout. JJ Watt proved yet again that he is a total beast, but once again the Texans weren’t able to muster enough offense to make it happen. They also consistently shot themselves in the foot with dumb penalties and turnovers late in the game. Ryan Fitzpatrick did look better here, but I still don’t know if he’s the guy given the fact that these same Colts are going to be the main team they’ll be competing with in this division over the next decade. Indianapolis did play better defense – they still aren’t the best in the league at tackling by any means, but they seemed dead set on stripping the ball late in games. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to focus on both of those things at once. Now do you see why I bailed on the Chiefs but not the Colts? They’ve only lost two games – one to the Eagles and one to the Denver Broncos, and those are both great teams. The Texans will have to take the next game on the road to even our this season series, and the way they are failing to execute as an offensive unit with all of that talent doesn’t lead me to believe that’s a real possibility.
Patriots 37, Bills 22
The New England Patriots are rolling along as if none of the tabloid fodder that was so prevalent three weeks ago even happened. They’ve been able to prove to everybody that there was a reason they weren’t panicking before the Bengals game, and now they are alone atop the AFC East. Brady had 361 yards, four touchdowns, and no picks in this game, so you don’t really need any other stats than that. And go figure – Kyle Orton is not the answer to all of Buffalo’s problems? You don’t say…it totally seemed like he was going to fix everything that wasn’t working up there. Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer here at First Order Historians, and you can inbox me because I also cater office parties.
Ravens 48, Buccaneers 17
I had this as my upset special of the week, and boy was I ever off the mark here. Joe Flacco had five touchdown passes in the first half, also disproving everything I said about his regular season performances last week. The Ravens may be in pretty good shape here – Cincinnati now has a tie at the end of their record and Pittsburgh is playing like hippo shit, so who’s to say that they can’t take the wheel and run with this thing? Not me, at least I won’t be anymore.
Browns 31, Steelers 10
The Pittsburgh Steelers have to be the most bipolar team in the entire NFL. One week they’re out putting it to great teams that are put in front of them, then the next they’re getting eaten alive by a team that isn’t nearly as good as the score would indicate. Such was the case Sunday against the Browns, who are inarguably not three touchdowns better than the Steelers by any means. What’s even more bizarre about the way this game ended is the fact that Brian Hoyer was 8 for 17 (What? Really?) and the Browns had the ball for six minutes less than the Steelers did.
Bengals 37, Panthers 37 (OT)
A lot of American sports fans get bummed when football games end in ties, but in this case I am actually cool with it. Neither of these teams deserved to lose, but then again neither of these team deserved to win either. Mike Nugent – who is usually reliable as hell – missed a 36 yard field goal at the end of regulation, and proved my following point about overtime games: You cannot leave the game in your kicker’s hands and expect to see the results you want. This is especially true given the new overtime rules (with regards to giving the other team an opportunity to match or better the FG) and the Bengals couldn’t seem to pull it together. Both of these teams were run ragged by the end of this one, and appeared to be very tired. I’m cool with this one ending in a tie, because the two divisions that these teams represent could use a little bit of shaking up to inject some life into those wretched foursomes.
Broncos 31, Jets 17
Peyton Manning threw for his 506th TD pass in this one, and the Broncos won easily. Thomas squared seems to be his main targets, and that’s a pretty reliable setup when you consider that Wes Welker is his next option after that. When is Rex Ryan going to get fired? Why is this organization so hung up on seeing that he will be the one to lead them to the promised land? If Jerry Jones owned the Jets, Rex Ryan would be watching “Ten Little Piggies” at home with his wife, and none of this would be an issue. Their obsession with that guy is just really unhealthy, and it’s costing their fans to consider turning their back on Fireman Ed.
Lions 17, Vikings 3
In this theoretically existing football game, the Minnesota Vikings did everything in their power to let the rest of the national football league know they are absolutely no threat whatsoever. The Lions aren’t much better, as anybody could score 30 points on Minnesota and they were only able to muster up 17.
Packers 27, Dolphins 24
Aaron Rodgers’ performance at the end of this game was the very definition of clutch. Miami had played great defense all day, but A-Rod kept his nose to the grindstone and rolled on through as time was just expiring. He pulled the old “fake spike” move, in the very same stadium where Dan Marino used to do it on his way to winning one of his zero Super Bowl titles. The Packers have so many weapons, but Rodgers is the glue that makes sure the whole thing stays together. I do worry that Eddie Lacy got 14 touches and only 40 yards – that’s something that team is going to have to look at a lot in film study this week.
Titans 16, Jaguars 14
I think it’s just adorable they went ahead and played this game.
Chargers 31, Raiders 28
I know I’ve been jocking the Chargers pretty hard, and I know they should have won this game by a lot more three points, but this is another W for them and they are 5-1 with nobody in the sports media giving them any credit for any of it. Before this game, Raiders fans pelted the Chargers’ charter bus with eggs. This further proves that the only thing worse than the Raiders organization is their fanbase, a comment I would probably be stabbed for if I lived in the Bay area. I’m not sure they’ll win a game all year, and with the way they’ve been playing it’s hard for me to argue that they should. As the saying goes, there are no moral victories in the NFL. I would alter that a little bit, saying that in a sport where you only play 16 regular season games it’s difficult to call any loss positive. Conversely this should serve as a reminder to the Chargers that they aren’t invincible and they almost let this one get away. Getting Branden Oliver more carries can help them move in the right direction.
Bears 27, Falcons 13
In the battle of two teams that truly prove life is like a box of chocolates, Jay Cutler showed us that they can be a solid team for the exact reason I specified in my last article. When they line up Alshon Jeffery and Brandon Marshall on the same side, there’s no reason they shouldn’t get 7 points on that drive. That’s exactly what they did against the Falcons, and it worked. But they also looked very much improved on defense, and appear to finally be getting their money’s worth out of Jared Allen. I don’t even know where to start with the Falcons. They don’t seem to be utilizing Julio Jones at all, and he’s one of the best receivers in the league. They aren’t tackling well, and can’t block. In all of their losses, their special teams play has been a complete joke so they are getting killed when it comes to field position.
Cowboys 30, Seahawks 23
This actually doesn’t shock me. It doesn’t shock me that Dallas won, and it doesn’t shock me that Dallas won IN Seattle. The Cowboys can run the football effectively with the use of DeMarco Murray, and that’s kind of the one way that you can get over on that Seahawks defense. I’m interested to see where Friday night’s “Seahawk Talk” segment will be headed, and I’m sure Victor and Neil will have plenty to say about this. Seattle is still a great football team – their only losses have come against San Diego and Dallas, two very good teams – but their weaknesses are starting to show, and offensively they are much better than the product they put on the field on Sunday. Or are they?
Cardinals 30, Redskins 20
Arizona keeps right on moving. Talk about going platinum with no radio airplay…they are now in first place in the most brutal division in sports. They’ve been phenomenal at rotating guys who are hot onto the field when the situation calls for it, and they deserve to be where they currently are. Daniel Snyder tried to make a good PR move by having the President of the Navajo Nation in his box suite, which would have worked except for the fact that the guy obviously had no interest in football and looked like he would have rather set himself on fire than pay attention to the game. It doesn’t matter who’s under center for Arizona, they always seem to pull it off. I see no reason whatsoever they can’t hang with the Seahawks, and I truly mean that.
Eagles 27, Giants 0
It was bad enough that I had to listen to Cris Collinsworth tongue-punch his own fartbox for the better part of three hours, but the actual game itself killed me as a Giants fan. They brought nothing to the table, except for bad penalties and a terrible attitude. It reminded me a lot of the Carolina and Cincinnati games last year, where the Giants got absolutely shelled. The Eagles are good but they aren’t this good. I can tell you exactly what happened here: This is a case of the domino effect that can cause your team to suck a high hard one if they have one thing going wrong for them. If your offensive line isn’t protecting your quarterback, you have to run the ball. If you can’t run the ball, then you still have to run it anyway but be super conservative. And of course, if you’re down 20-0 at halftime, you can’t really afford to be super conservative. I realize that the players have to execute, but I still think overall Coughlin called an awful game and it really showed. Oh, and Victor Cruz is out for the year with a torn patellar tendon. Fantastic.
Niners 31, Rams 17
The 49ers really put it together after a slow start here, but you have to admit that once everything got going they did look pretty good. However, I still believe that the Niners are having some problems that just so happen to not be rising to the surface. Call me crazy, but I truly believe that Colin Kaepernick caused his own bullshit meter to go off pretty hard when he said on Sunday Conversation that nobody had brought up the Jim Harbaugh thing in the locker room. Sure. If that’s the case, I’ve won “Iron Chef” the last seven seasons. Of course they’ve discussed it. You’re right smack in the middle of a situation where you know that no matter how well you do, your coach is going to be gone next year and you can only hope Jon Gruden is getting sick of hearing his own voice just as much as we are. Now, they are winning right now so it appears everything is looking better than it was a few weeks ago. But you have to admit, I’m sure their fans were worried when they fell behind 14-0 in this one. Props to Colin for not throwing any picks, but he shouldn’t have against St. Louis so it doesn’t mean much. The Rams were pretty much what I expected them to be, but as you’ll notice I didn’t say “They are who we thought they were” so let me briefly talk about that for a second.
Bonus Rant: It’s time to bury the Dennis Green Clip
As much as it pains me to say it, you will find me defending ESPN a lot more than other sports bloggers. But I understand the frustration of those writers when at the end of a long day, I walk into my living room and see them running that same clip from Dennis Green’s rant several seasons back when he continually states that the Bears “are who we thought they were”. I’m going to say this once really slowly so that hopefully it will sink in: It’s time to quit airing that clip. It’s not funny, it’s not inventive, and it came in a game that didn’t even matter in the larger scope of anything that happened that year. I’m not going to sit here and act like it’s entertainment to play the same clip from a guy who has about as good of a chance as Ryan Leaf when it comes to getting into the Hall of Fame. They are drilling into sawdust and that clip has been beaten to death. And while I’m at it, the Jim Mora “Playoffs?” bit can probably pack it in too. At least Allen Iverson had some attitude, so I’ll let “Practice’ slide. There is no amount of can laughter that we can hear from the Sportscenter crew which will justify showing this now very old clip and somehow trying to work the dialogue into whatever unrelated game just took place. It’s over. Remember back when sportscasters like Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann could own a Sunday night? Do you remember how that worked? They actually wrote jokes, go figure. Now we just rely on guys to snap in the press conference and then just recycle that clip for a decade or so. Come on, you’re supposed to be the worldwide leader in sports: DO BETTER.
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