by Ryan Meehan
Now that we’ve been annihilated by the Ray Rice story to the point where our intelligence has been fully insulted, we can finally talk football. At least that was the plan before news leaked on Friday afternoon of Adrian Peterson beating his son in the genitals with a belt, further proof that just when you think you’ve heard it all NFL players always continue to invent new ways to get into worlds of trouble off the field. I’m tired of my league turning into TMZ, and I hope the league never goes back to Los Angeles. But let’s forget about all that for a second and talk football.
Ravens 26, Steelers 16
This is a big one for me because this is the Steelers team I’ve been telling you really exists finally showed up. Zero touchdowns, a passer rating south of 65, a pathetic running game, and a defense that is nowhere near the one which beat the Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII. I don’t want to hear anything about how the Steelers are a playoff contender, because that’s just simply not true. Steve Smith scored in this one, but whether or not he’ll be able to keep that pace up is going to be a huge question mark. Baltimore still has a lot of problems – Flacco threw for 166 yards and Ben had him beat on yardage by fifty in a game he won by almost three touchdowns. This division is completely full of shit. I hope everybody ends up 8-8 at the end, and I really mean that. This was a total borefest of a game to watch, and the refs weren’t letting them play at all. Really sad overall.
Bengals 24, Falcons 10
Well, it looks like maybe the Falcons aren’t going to have a good year after all. The Bengals forced Matt Ryan to throw twenty incompletions, a surefire sign that shit gets real when you face that defense. The Falcons were 3 for 12 on third down, and when that happens you have about as good of a chance sniffing the end zone as trying to convince Ted Nugent to put away all of his firearms. The Bengals are still undefeated because they deserve to be, and I can’t say that about some of the other 2-0 teams.
Browns 26, Saints 24
A lot of people are going to brush this off as no big deal, but that couldn’t be further from the case. The Saints have to be freaking the hell out right now. That division is totally up for grabs and instead of taking that opportunity and running with it, they’re the reason the division is up for grabs in the first place. They may have gotten jobbed here, but they still shouldn’t have been in a situation where the game was this close. I walked out of the Belgrade at 3 O’clock in the afternoon and as my father and I were leaving I heard a guy say “That Brian Hoyer is a fuckin’ beast!”. Yeah, you’re going to want to pay attention to the Browns because this is about to get interesting.
Texans 30, Raiders 14
A lot is going to be made about how the Texans lined JJ Watt up on offense and scored a touchdown. Trust me, it’s ain’t no thing. The only reason they did this is because they were playing the Raiders. It’s easy to pull this stunt off when you’re playing a whole team of guys worried about what they’re going to say at their next court appearance, I highly doubt that they’ll pull this shit on the Colts week six. This was a trick play, and it’s probably a one time affair. Or wait…who are they playing next week…Oh, the Giants? In that case, I rescind my previous comment.
Redskins 41, Jaguars 10
I’m not particularly thrilled about this and you shouldn’t be either. Robert Griffin sprained his vagina again, so he’ll likely be out for another six weeks or until the apocalypse – whichever comes first. It doesn’t really matter, because he’s made out of paper and I get this bizarre feeling his NFL career may be very close to over. As David Spade would say, get used to hearing the phrase “I’ll take Robert Griffin the Third for the block”.
Bills 29, Dolphins 10
Fuck this whole division. Seriously…what the hell am I supposed to do with this score? You’re telling me that Miami shutout a first ballot Hall of Famer, and then seven days later ate a city block full of donkey semen against the Buffalo Bills? How am I supposed to take any division seriously given these two weeks? The Bills go into Chicago and win with a skeleton crew, and now this? They have to be the least interesting 2-0 team in the NFL right now. Let’s just put it this way – when was the last time you washed your EJ Manuel jersey? That’s what I thought…
Patriots 30, Vikings 7
I know that this is supposed to be the part where I say that Adrian Peterson not playing made the difference, but I’m not going to do that. New England was just straight up mad, and that’s why they won by 23 on the road. There’s no way in a million years I’m going to believe that Peterson could have gotten this one anywhere near the seven point spread. But since I’m on the topic of Adrian Peterson, I think that he has no idea how hard the league will come down on him for this whole episode. I mean, he hit his four year old kid in the dick with a belt. You know how I know that’s bad news? Because I just said “four year old kid” in the same sentence where I clarified said kid was beaten in the dick with a belt. Either way, New England is back and things are all gravy with them. I think that while Tom Brady is getting older, he has the same amount of down weeks – they just show up in more unfortunate places.
Packers 31, Jets 24
It’s easy to win a game when the other team simply hands it to you. And that’s exactly what the Jets did, as they had this one in the bag – on the road no less. The Jets choked away this game so hard I thought that KFC had shipped them a truck full of chicken nuggets that hadn’t been de-boned yet. It’s further proof that the Jets will not be a .500 team for several years. The situation involving the called timeout at the end of the game was a moot point, because the game should have been out of reach in their favor so long before that play was called. Also, Geno Smith once again put up very average numbers. You know why? Because he’s a very average player. It’s funny how some things just explain themselves.
Broncos 24, Chiefs 17
No real surprise here – this was a game that Denver should have blown open early on. Isn’t it funny that the Chiefs are 0-2? I think so…kind of makes you wonder how many people are calling Andy Reid a genius on sports talk radio now. It’s pretty hard to go against a guy like Manning when he goes 21 for 26 and no interceptions. You’re never going to win those games. That being said, they do have to face this same scenario again, and there are going to be a plethora of other games that the Chiefs will lose. Sorry Kim.
Chargers 30, Seahawks 21
Lord knows I’m a criminal Seahawks defender, so of course I’m going to say that this is no cause for concern. But I honestly believe that, because San Diego is so much better than people give them credit for. They were the better team on this day, and Philip Rivers was the better quarterback. Seattle is going to be fine, this was one of the tougher games on their schedule and nobody had Antonio Gates catching three touchdown passes. I really hope the Chargers can chase Denver down and win the AFC West, it would make the playoffs more interesting and who isn’t tired of the Broncos?
Cowboys 26, Titans 10
If you think I’m going to sit here and say that because of this game the Cowboys are in great shape, I have the email of this Nigerian prince in my spam folder that I totally want you to have. I can’t take this seriously, mostly due to the fact that the Cowboys can come out next week and eat shit and then this game doesn’t mean a damn thing. I am very disappointed in the Titans for only being able to come up with ten points against what is essentially still an awful defense. I believed in them and they let me down tremendously.
Bears 28, 49ers 20
I am absolutely shocked. Not only was I dead wrong about this, but this was the best game to watch out of all of them. I expected the 49ers to ingratiate their new stadium into the culture of winning that they have worked so hard to build since the second Mike Singletary showed the squad his ass butter, but that couldn’t be further from the way things turned out. What I saw in San Francisco was a team that lacked the confidence and swagger that it takes to succeed in the NFC West. We knew San Francisco and Seattle were going to be head to head, but we didn’t expect them to each have a loss before week three started staring up at the Cardinals. I do have to mention that it is very possible that the officiating in this game was sort of floating into that “2002 Lakers-Kings Game 6” territory, and I wasn’t happy with it at all. And as much as I hate to say it, the Bears got jobbed harder than the Niners did. There were so many penalties in this game that I was worried all of my friends who were Bears fans would be facing the death penalty Monday morning.
Panthers 24, Lions 7
This tells us nothing. I can honestly say that I told you so here, because if you remember correctly I wasn’t completely sold on Detroit anyway. The Lions are shit because last week they faced an awful Giants team, and I’ll get to that in a second. Carolina is giving the Bills a run for their money as the most boring 2-0 team, but the way the NFC South is shaping up they could show up with no equipment on carrying badminton racquets and still finish with double digit wins. I hope you didn’t have Matt Stafford in fantasy football this week because if you did, due to league rules everybody else will get to pee in your mouth before next week starts.
Rams 19, Bucs 17
If you’re cool with not hearing about this game, I’m cool with not writing about it. These are two nobody teams going nowhere fast.
Cardinals 25, Giants 14
Okay, as we all know I’m a Giants fan and have been my whole life. I try not to let my fandom trump my journalistic integrity, which isn’t difficult because I don’t have a whole lot of it in the first place. This is actually quite easy for me because I’ve always been more satisfied being right than happy. So I’ll just come out and say this: The New York Giants are the worst team in the National Football League. I can’t deal with it…They let a team come into their home opener and shit in their dining room, and used a backup quarterback to do it. I’m convinced Carson Palmer could have played in this game. I’m also convinced that some of these teams (much like Carolina last week) sit these guys when they don’t want to waste their services on a game they know they aren’t going to lose anyway. It’s a huge sign of disrespect, but who can blame them? With Eli throwing an interception almost every time the Giants have the ball, fumbling problems galore, and a coaching staff none of the players listen to – why wouldn’t you sit your number one guy and give him the week off?
Eagles 30, Colts 27
Well, this was unexpected. All I have to say is Philadelphia better run away with the NFC East, there’s no excuse not to. Nick Foles might be a monster. As for the Colts, I think that there are going to be a lot of questions as to why they called the plays they called the last time they have the ball. This was a game that they easily could have won, and now they are 0-2 and couldn’t get Jacksonville at a better time unless they played half of their games there. Don’t forget, the Colts were Sports Illustrated’s AFC Super Bowl pick. I just don’t think there’s going to be enough tickets available for them to all make it down there…
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