Artist Profile: James Draper – Live at The District Theatre this Satuday, June 28th

000jamesdraper000 - Artist Profile:  James Draper – Live at The District Theatre this Satuday, June 28th

By Ryan Meehan

Full Name: James Draper

Family Situation:  Dad, Husband, Brother, Son.

Day Job: Graphic designer

Reason I got into comedy: I’ve always wanted to. From my earliest memories, I’ve always loved to laugh, and knew I had to be a part of it somehow.

My Political Slogan for when I run for governor:  “Like your grandfather’s slacks, it’s time for a change!”

Weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me on stage: One story I like to tell is about an open mic I used to host in East Moline. Throughout the show one night, we were getting heckled by a guy at the bar. He wasn’t making sense, really. Just random loud noises in the middle of everyone’s set. Finally, I say something to the guy. Nice and loud into the mic, “What the hell is your problem dude? You’ve been yelling shit all night! Why you being an asshole?”. He yells something incoherent back, and I’m getting pissed. Luckily, the bar back was there and saw this going on. He yelled from the middle of the bar, “James! He’s deaf!”

Then, the bar back gets closer and says, “He’s deaf. He thinks you’re doing karaoke, and he’s trying to request a song.”

And that’s the story of the time I got heckled by a deaf guy, trying to request a song.

How long I expect to live: Just long enough for me to film my hour.

Sexual move I invented and what it involves: It’s called the “Oh, you’re tired?”. I look at my wife and I say, “Oh, you’re tired? Yea, me too. Long day.”. Then, we have the night we randomly dream of.

The fast food restaurant which has the best breakfast menu is:   Probably Taco Bell right now, as far as menus go. But I prefer a plain ol’ sausage and egg, biscuit from Hardee’s.

Where I see myself in ten years: In a sweet house, near the Smokey mountains.

The most delicious type of hooker blood to drink is: B2 Positive. It’s some of the best you can get, really. These hookers are real talkative and peppy. Until you start drinking the blood. Then they quiet down, start to relax, then things get done a little more quickly and easily.

The best thing about living in Rock Island is: All the delicious hooker blood!

The best thing about living in the Quad Cities is: Aside from the hooker blood? I’d say, the cost of living is fairly decent.

If I were to be sentenced to death, the method of execution I would choose would be: Um, crushed to death by a pile of naked women I choose beforehand, duh.

The best show on television is: probably being canceled

The worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life is: Twilight

Kill-Fuck-Marry:  Michael Steele, Christopher Schlichting, and Donny Townsend:

Kill: Mike Steele, although he’s a good friend, he is also my greatest threat.

Fuck: Chris Schlichting, he’s a touch taller than me and I feel he’d do a good job as the man in said scenario.

Marry: Donny Townsend, just because the divorce 3 years later would be epic.

The last time I had diarrhea so bad I considered calling in sick to work was:  June 19th 2014. I DID call in sick to work.

The biggest misconception people have about being a comedian is that:  It’s easy.

What the audience can expect out of Saturday’s show is: About an hour and a half of good jokes, from some weird guys.

What I am going to do after this profile is over is: Write.

Check James out at the filming of his new special Saturday Night – it’s going down at The District Theatre in Rock Island this Saturday night!!!

James’ Facebook page:

Facebook page of guy who has the same name, but is not the guy we just did this profile about:

Twitter account of other guy named James Draper, who is ironically also a comedian; but is not the guy we just did this profile about:

Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.


Leave a Comment