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2928f0e17ded605bc7c163640093a1fd - NFL WEEK TWO WRAPUP

by Ryan Meehan

Week two in the NFL has come to a close and there were more close games than you could shake a stick at.  And I know it’s not good form to end a sentence with a preposition, but that’s what makes me so entertaining to make fun of.  Anyway, this is what I saw through my Irish eyes which are always a smilin’…  

Patriots 13, Jets 10 

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If anybody has cleaned houe because of Robert Gronkowski’s partying habits, it’s Julian Edelman. Holy balls.

You know, the Patriots are only going to be able to count on other teams sucking eggs for so long before they are actually going to have to play decent football.  A sloppy game, almost nothing could be done to hold interest here.  There was a fight late in this one, and D’Brickashaw Ferguson was ejected either for fighting or because the refs finally decided that ten years in the league was way too long for a guy who has that ridiculous of a first name.  The Pats had more punts than first downs.  That just isn’t anywhere close to the offense that we’ve become so accustomed to.  So what did we learn that we didn’t already know?  Nothing… Well, almost nothing, except for the fact that Julian Edelman has to be a great fantasy pick.  Think about it – With Hernandez in the slammer and Gronk constantly injured, Edelman is a lock to get plenty of touches every week.  And even when Gronk does get back from his injury he’s just going to slam a bottle of tequila on his off day, jump off of a trampoline and wreck the same shoulder on a ceiling fan.  Two weeks in a row Pats have failed to cove the spread.

Bears 31, Vikings 30

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Remember that episode of The Simpsons” where Homer meets Mel Gibson and helps him remake “Mr. Smith goes to Washington”?  In that episode, there are a couple of references to a “dog with the shifty eyes” as a movie character.  The episode ends with the dog, and although we’re unable to see what it was exactly he was looking at the Chicago Bears just might be it.  Much like the Patriots, the Bears have been able to squeak away two games in a row.  One of them was against a very good Cincinnati team that will likely make the playoffs.  The other was against these Vikings, which i think we all can agree are not supposed to be very good, especially on the road.  As my father would say, the Bears did their best “New York Giants in week one” impression as they were having some issues turning the ball over.  The Bears still need to prove to me that they can win on the road, but the Cutler/Marshall connection can help them get there.  Hester also keeps giving them great field position, but they can’t continue to rely on the mistakes of other teams and guys like Christian Ponder.

Bills 24, Panthers 23

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This one could have gone either way, but I am starting to think that maybe the Bills are better than we are giving them credit for.  We won’t know for a while because trying to locate clips of Bills games on cable television in the Midwest is like trying to find a pack of Satanists at a DC Talk concert.  Cam Newton is showing a little bit of that press conference frustration that was so apparent last year, although it is a little bit more reserved.

Packers 38, Redskins 20

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The Packers got theirs, and they’re back to .500.  The Redskins are now 0-2, which is not a good place when you consider how high the expectations were with RGIII returning.  But in Griffin’s defense, their defense isn’t really holding up their side of the bargain.  Not that it would have mattered in this one, as Aaron Rodgers looked about as close to perfect as one guy can.  Very few teams would have been able to stop that even on a great day.  If the Redskins lose next week, panic time is fair discussion.

Falcons 31, Rams 24

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Everybody you’ve ever met should be terrified of Julius Jones

This is a game that was challenging for the Falcons but they had to have it.  They had to bounce back from the heartbreaking loss to the Saints last week, and they did so by beating a tough Rams team that isn’t going to be nearly as bad as their record would indicate for at least the next five or six years.  The Falcons are going to be able to get away with pacing themselves more than any other team in the league this year so they should be fine.  Plus, Julius Jones might be the most important receiver in the NFL.  Yeah, Calvin Johnson is awesome, but seriously…

Ravens 14, Browns 6

Goddammit.  Spickler’s returning to do picks with me next week and Hurley’s bachelor party was this weekend, so it kills me to report that through eight days the Cleveland Browns are still winless.  This game is a lot like what I just said about the Falcons and the Rams – it was expected and very likely to happen.  Nothing to see here.

Chiefs 17, Cowboys 16

A Chiefs fan’s nipples get a little inflamed during Sunday’s pregame festivities

I am going to go ahead and chalk this one up to Andy Reid’s familiarity with the Cowboys.  I have to believe that’s what it is, because Alex Smith still hasn’t slayed any sort of dragon in a Chiefs uniform.  Believe it or not, I have to hand it to the Chiefs for having no turnovers through two games.  And, they’ve already matched last year’s win total.  It might be a great story if it continues.  But will it?  And as for the Cowboys, that’s about enough of them paw-pawing their way onto my television.  God, I am so sick of seeing the coverage of their failures and minimal successes constantly being shoved down my throat.  As fans of the entire league, we all deserve better than that.  They didn’t score a single touchdown in the remaining 45 minutes of the game, and let the Chiefs come from behind and beat them.  Dallas can’t score in the red zone when needed, and they might end up leading the league in field goals before the season is over.

Texans 30, Titans 24

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DeAndre Hopkins’ greatest strength is that he is eight feet tall, giving him a clear advantage over player on the field

Had this game been in Tennessee I might be a little bit more understanding when it comes to the score, but even though they came out with a win I still feel that the Texans might have blown a home game on this one.  If anything, it’s showed their vulnerability to other teams in the league when it comes to games they should win easily.  I’m not sure the Titans at home is the easiest game in the world, but it certainly isn’t the most difficult that’s for sure.  And this seems like a bizarre Pat Smearesque question, but why are the Texans wearing white at home?  I don’t get that.

Dolphins 24, Colts 20

The Colts’ lucky horseshoe ran out of magic powder as the Dolphins beat them at the last minute, much in the same way that Luck took out the Raiders last week.  The AFC East is there for the Dolphins’ taking, and this game was an important moment for them.  They are now tied for first place and they are making things happen against a playoff team.

Chargers 33, Eagles 30

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Believe it or not, Philip Rivers was actually responsible for this play

I’m torn – I don’t what to think about this one.  On one hand, I’m happy the Eagles lost because I’m a Giants fan.  On the other hand, it’s my dream to see the Chargers bite the wax tadpole and finish under .250.  Somebody had to win here…Tim Pilichowski texted me when we were talking about the NFC East and simply said “Parity don’t mean Quality”  Consider this:  The only two wins that have taken place for NFC East teams have been at the hands of other NFC East teams, so there’s only hashmarks in the win column because somebody had to win…

Cardinals 25, Lions 21

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This was the 21st thing that came up when I searched the names of these two teams on Google images. And Arizona WON THE GAME…

The Lions blew this game.  That’s all you need to know here.

Raiders 19, Jaguars 9

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If the Jaguars were even one-sixteenth as effective as this cat, maybe I’d have an actual picture of them playing football here.

With all of the talk about what may or may not be wrong with RGIII and how good Peyton Manning is, we’ve skipped over the most crucial story in the 2013 NFL season:  Was it a good idea for the Jags to bench Blaine Gabbert in favor of Chad Henne?  Truth be told, maybe I’m not qualified to answer that question.  To be honest, Gabbert could be paralyzed right now and I wouldn’t have any idea that it had happened.  To make a long story short, nothing was learned here except for Maurice Jones-Drew getting injured.  We’ve all got a little bit of an eye on Pryor, but until he really plays a seriously violent defense we won’t know how to react.

Broncos 41, Giants 23

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As someone who’s struggled with milk addiction his entire life, I find this photograph to be extremely offensive

I called this – you know when you’re team is overmatched and that’s why I picked this game to finish this way, as well as why the NFL chose to put the Manning Bowl in New Jersey because othewise this game could have been 48 to 3.  Eli committed to his half of the agreement by throwing for four picks, and having nothing to fall back on because his team didn’t fumble once.  Nonetheless, Tom Jackson from ESPN had the audacity to say that the Giants’ problems are simply based on turnovers, and I’d like to reiterate that he’s insane.  It’s so much more than that.  I understand that some of them are tip drill type of interceptions, but only so many of them can be accidents and a turnover is a turnover.  The Giants are being touted by the sports media as the 0-2 team who is most likely to rebound, and I couldn’t possibly disagree more.  Oh, and Peyton Manning?  So far this season nine touchdowns and zero turnovers.

Saints 16, Buccaneers 14

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The Saints won again but this game was marred by a rain delay, which is apparently a huge problem in the NFL as of this year.  Which is funny, because it never was before.  The Saints are much like the Bears in the sense that they are going to have to rely on the mistakes of other teams in order to succeed.  This game was Tampa’s to lose and the Saints’ to sweep up.  New Orleans is not the same N’Awlins that we’ve come to know and love, and that should be a little frightening to someone like me who picked them to come out of the game and be a killing machine.  Drew Brees is known for being a stat guy and he just isn’t putting up the numbers that you’d expect him to, especially the most important one – points.  Better see them step up in the next couple of weeks, otherwise that scenario where the Falcons don’t make the playoffs is looking to be a distant dream at best.  And I’ll be super pissed if that’s the case.

Seahawks 29, 49ers 3

I’m just frustrated because overall I was very disappointed in the way this game played out, or didn’t play out.  Yes, this game was delayed by lightning as well.  But once the Seahawks got going, there was no stopping them.  As the Trailer Park Boys would say, San Francisco got really “banged up” in this one.  The 49ers will be better, they’ve had a rough couple of games but if you’re good in the NFL that’s what you’re going to end up getting stuck with nowadays.  That being said, although Pete Carroll is the douchebag of all douchebags when it comes to NFL head coaches the Seattle Seahawks are really good.  I don’t care if you DID come within one play of winning the Super Bowl, the four scariest words in pro sports in succession are “Seattle Seahawks home opener”.

Bengals 20, Steelers 10 

The Steelers had won three straight games in the queen city, but on Monday night they ended up being the ones wearing high heels.   if Emmanuel Sanders is your go-to guy, you’re not going to be returning to glory anytime soon.  Any Dalton played okay, but I know he can play better.  This game was an anticlimactic end to an even anticlimaticer week.  (I make up my own words from now on.  That’s how I do it…)


There are a lot of teams right now that are 1-1 that should be undefeated (Bills, Eagles, Raiders, et cetera) and likewise there are teams who got out of the first two weeks undefeated that probably shouldn’t have.  (I’m looking at you, Houston and New England)  There are teams that come week eleven won’t look anything like they do right now, and that’s the greatest thing about football.  In just a couple of days, Spickler returns and we’ll break week three down.

Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.


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