The Deep Six

THE DEEP SIX 03/13/12

I’m sure I’ll run out of things to complain about at some point, but lucky for you today isn’t that day.  This should have been done a month ago.  It was literally sitting in the drafts folder 94% done, so my apologies for that.  Thanks for coming… and enjoy.

1)  Facebook in General

Not pictured: MySpace Tom

Facebook as a marketing tool is a good thing for this website.  It helps us promote our articles and do a pre-programmable feed that saves us from having to get up at 7AM every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning to tell everyone we have new material going up.  When it comes to getting the message out, nothing works better than Facebook.  In fact, I’ve found more people use their Facebook mail than they use their regular email.  That being said, Mark Zuckerberg and his internet buddies can suck me sideways. 

When Twitter came out, I didn’t really understand why it was so popular.  I didn’t like the idea that they limited you to how many characters you could use for your status update.  But now because of the ridiculousness of Facebook, I get it.  Twitter is just simply trying to condense the average person’s thoughts down to 140 characters because the average person doesn’t really have more than that to say at any one point in time.  The average individual on Facebook has all sorts of things to tell you, and has no problem sharing them. Unfortunately this includes facts about their children’s progress through the wild world of learning how to use the toilet. (or not learning how to use it)  Somewhere along the line we decided that it would be a great idea to share everything with each other, and so far it isn’t going well. What we have now is a website where people air all of their personal business for the world to see.  Then, when you see them in person and you ask them if they are OK, they actually have the nerve to question where you heard that particular information.  Providing you don’t smack the shit out of them just on principle alone, this puts you in a difficult position as you now have to find a nice way to say “Because you announced it to the whole world, you dumbass”.  As if we just needed another electronical bullhorn for personal problems in America.  Like it or not, it looks like we got another one.

2)  All of this Vampire and Pirate Bullshit in Television and Film

Above: A lot less cooler than the Scooby-Doo gang. Plus, no Daphney.

This fandom is likely the result of the aftermath created by that series of “Twilight” films.  I don’t know anything about those movies at all except for when the sunlight is out, the vampires sparkle like little bitches.  Aside from being completely silly, it’s also very unrealistic, and Vampires aren’t real.  There’s nothing intriguing about vampires, zombies, or any other fictitious subculture:  It’s all fucking stupid.  And it’s not just film, it’s all over television as well.  True Blood, The Vampire Diaries…does anybody know if people actually watch this?

Two things that were previously sissified so much that they were practically buried have now become increasingly popular once again due to two sets of movie trilogies:  Vampires and Pirates.  There’s no need for either of them.  Trust me, you don’t want to meet a real pirate nowadays.  Real pirates steer ships full of cocaine and heroin and are armed to the teeth with assault rifles.  And if for some reason you’re off the coast of wherever they happen to be headed, don’t think for one fucking second that they want to hang out and drink rum with you.  Before you even get within speaking distance, they’ll put a bowling ball sized hole in your chest with an AR-33.  Then for the split second before your body gets blown in half, you’ll wish that instead of renting “Pirates of the Caribbean:  The Curse of Featherprancer’s Treasure” you skipped it and watched the latest episode of “Drugs, Inc.” on NatGeo so that you knew where not to go sailing.

A Somali pirate shares a smile with his new friends

Back to the vampires, I haven’t seen any of the Twilight movies to be honest.  I asked a co-worker to summarize what the storyline is so that I could get a good idea of what it’s about without wasting an hour and a half of my life, and this is what he told me:  Basically, the male lead character is a hundred and sixty some years old and he has remained in high school in order to find the love of his life.  So he falls in love with this girl instead of eating her and sucking her blood, and ends up protecting her from another dude with an equally chiseled body that turns into a wolf.

"So you thought that you could just walk over to your DVD player and put "Twilight" in while your teenage daughter was there? That seemed OK to you?"

Right, because THAT seems like the type of thing we need to be marketing to ten year old girls.  Does anybody else see a problem here?  When we’re waging one of the most important wars in our history trying to fight child molestation and inappropriate sexual behavior at the expense of children, at the same time we’re selling junior high aged girls a product that suggests they should fall in love with a guy who sucks on young women’s necks, never mind he fact that he’s twenty-five years old in real life and creepier than holy living fuck.  That’s just proof right there that America (and especially Hollywood) will only view something as hideous if there isn’t an exorbitant sum of money to be made off of it, and it’s criminal.  Eventually the people who are ingesting enough of this culture that it actually necessitates advertising will have to realize that these shows don’t suck blood, they just suck period.  In the meantime, I’m calling for a mass exile of all Pedo-vamps.

3)  Wrestling Culture alive and well in 2011

I don’t know who either of these guys are but I think in a weird way that’s sort of the point

Being in the prepaid wireless industry, I run across this a lot more than in a majority of other professions.  And it’s adults, that’s what makes me laugh so hard at it.  These are people with bills to pay, children, and forty hour workweeks that spend hundreds of dollars a year on wrestling accessories.  But even if it was just for kids, that’s still not an excuse.  People always tell me “Oh, I’m sure you watched wrestling as a kid…”  No, no I absolutely didn’t.  I though it was lame when I was seven and a quarter of a century later that’s still my opinion.

The stereotypes about this group of people are usually dead on:  Most of the time they’re poorly educated, improperly washed dirt bags that have bad dental hygiene.  I see this every single day at my job.  There are a few people I know who enjoy wrestling that happen to be well-educated, decent members of everyday society, but it’s definitely more the exception than the norm.  In other words, what I’m saying is there’s no multimillion-dollar business mergers being drawn up with a wrestling pay per view event on in the background.  And they still get people to pay for those things in this day and age?  That’s crazy.  That’s not even including the fact that they actually have live events where thousands of local trailers are emptied for three hours for the sole purpose of watching a bunch of steroid monkeys grab each other with thongs on.  For a while, the guy that was running the World Diaper/Thong Wrestling Association/Network or whatever the fuck it was called (I know Coalition wasn’t in there because that’s a hard word to add to anybody’s vocabulary) was selling the product by using the tagline “The best value in entertainment”.

A rare shot of WWE CEO Vince McMahon, shown here during the one hour out of the month he doesn’t eat bricks of androgen

And no more shit about how it’s a sport.  Are those guys in great physical shape?  Sure they are.  Have they done it by only lifting weights and doing strength conditioning as opposed to just booting an unspeakable amount of androgen?  Not bloody likely.  But looking at other sports that are always considered to be real sports, they usually fall under either of those two categories so that can’t be it.  The obvious answer would be:  It’s not real.  And to that I would sort of agree, as the fact that it isn’t real is INDIRECTLY the reason it’s considered to be a sport.  The real reason is that nobody can gamble on it.

Greco-Roman wrestling (such as the version that’s in the Olympics) is a sport because none of it is rigged and there’s no acting and it’s extremely physically strenuous.  And Vegas probably at least has odds on that, there’s just probably not a lot of money changing hands.  Because in the end, that’s what determines if it’s a sport or not.  If you can gamble on it, it’s a sport.  If you can’t, it’s not a sport.  End of story.

4)  The media announcing the birthdays of dead celebrities

Former model Anna Nicole Smith, who has very rudely failed to show up for her last four birthday parties. She didn’t even bother to call ANYONE.

As you well know we here at FOH couldn’t care less about celebrity birthdays.  There’s no need to report when the bass player from Veruca Salt turns 43, no one cares.  Now, it’s sort of acceptable when an important celebrity that did a lot for charity like Mother Teresa or Princess Diana dies to wonder what might have been, but it falls on deaf ears because that person isn’t coming back to life.  Even John Lennon…we understand that his idea of imagining the world living as one is something that we would all like to strive for, but all of the positive energy in the universe isn’t going to bring them back to life so what difference does that even make?  It spurs all of these bullshit pieces with titles like “What would Princess Di be like at 50?”  It doesn’t matter…there is a zero percent chance she’ll ever be fifty years old.  Doesn’t what really happened eventually trump something that was just a bad idea for a shitty article in the first place?

And here’s another thing I can’t figure out:  If there’s all of these industries out there trying to convince you that you’re younger than you actually are, why would any sort of media be any different?  How are we supposed to feel younger if on the inside page of every newspaper in America there’s a little black and white box that informs us some musician or actor that we used to be a fan of in junior high school is now in their fifties?

5)  The “Australian” stereotype that’s being advertised to Americans to sell Beer and Deep Fried Onions

Who’s up for some heart disease?

You can thank Outback Steakhouse for this one.  Those commercials make me want to choke every ad exec in America.  Or when I’m not being irrational at least politely email them and let them know that we don’t really believe that whole angle.  “Threugh anotha shrimponthabarby!”  Yeah, sure old man.  And it’s totally irrelevant:  That Crocodile Hunter guy died in late 2006, and Crocodile Dundee was in theaters in 1986.  So they haven’t progressed from being a bunch of knife wielding lunatics since either one of those events, one of which made $325 million at the box office a quarter of a century ago?

Just the thought that she might have even been interested makes me want to eat a koala.

Everything that I see when I research Australia online is that Sydney seems to be a very progressive city, much like Dublin, Ireland.  (This would make sense when you consider that Australia was a prison colony for Ireland during the 1800s and the early 1900s.)  They have the coolest opera house in the world, I’m sure not all of them hunt with their hands.  That must be an awfully large continent if you put that much work into changing your image and the American advertising and film industries are able to ruin it again by simply finding two head cases that were gladly willing to sacrifice their dignity and heritage so that a few people could be entertained.

While we’re on the subject, did anybody else notice that Steve Irwin’s popularity skyrocketed at exactly the same time as the whole "energy drink" craze started?

And one other note to the people at Fosters’ beer:  Same thing applies to you guys.  The Jumbo Size doesn’t impress us.  It just puts us in one of two places:  Either we’re left with a quarter of a stale beer at the bottom (which is complete swill as Fosters is shit beer to begin with) or we finish the whole thing at lightning speed and then we’re alcoholics.  Overdoing anything hardly impresses Americans in 2012 unless someone actually dies or explodes from overdoing it. (Or both)

6)  Women who think men who ride motorcycles are hot because they ride motorcycles

These Paramedics are helping a local heartthrob get back on his feet again

This one’s been pissing me off for quite some time.  Not to sound sexist here, but a very large majority of the women who are turned on by a guy who rides motorcycles are shallow, thoughtless, insecure, pathetic, sad failures who are desperate for attention and they feel the only way to create that attention is to get on a motorized bicycle without a helmet and coast around town with their arms wrapped around some dude who clearly has the same insecurities.

I don’t mean to rain on anybody’s parade here, but I’m pretty sure this is a picture of two motorcycle accident victims getting shot afterwards.

And for those of you men who do ride motorcycles, what exactly is your plan around these parts when winter comes around and road conditions become dangerous?  Does it make you more of a badass if you can get to your destination without splattering your brains all over the road?  Do you have a car or truck that you also drive in addition to the motorcycle?  And do you have both of them insured?  If your answer to the last question was “yes”, then you’re a dumb motherfucker.

And say for example that you DID have insurance. It’s not as if it’s going to cover something like this.

And this might be an alarming fact to all of these females who love their crotch rocket counterparts, but if your boyfriend or husband dresses in what is essentially a full body leather costume, he’s got about as much interest in your vagina as you do pulling your own teeth out with a pair of pliers.   And there’s no way in hell that you can convince me that they wear leather to protect themselves from the heat of the engine parts on this side of the bike.  That may be part of it, but it’s obviously a fashion statement first and foremost.  A zebra driving a Geo Metro with all of the seatbelts broken has less of a chance dying in an accident than your boyfriend on a motorcycle, regardless of whether or not he’s wearing a helmet or not.

Insert "Split Personalities" joke here

And for those of you who don’t wear a helmet, I’m kind of torn here.  As a good Samaritan, I feel it would be my right to inform you the dangers of not wearing a helmet.  Safety is one of the most important things in the world at seventy plus miles an hour.  But at the same time, what do I give a fuck?  If you’re stupid enough to ride a motorcycle, should I even care if you land face first on the cement after being thrown off of something with flame decals on it?  Of course not.

I’m sure I’ll be back with more of these here shortly.  Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.

2 Comments

  • Holy shit, do I love every fucking word of this…

    If I may, I’d like to offer a couple of additions.

    First of all, I can’t bitch about Facebook for exactly the reasons you laid out. Let’s be honest, half of my readership as a blogger is from people who subscribe to my Facebook feed so they can read my rants so they can have a few minutes forgetting their middle-aged dicks quit working years ago, and even if they still could hoist one, it would only be wasted on the childbirth-destroyed vag-disasters they married.

    As for the Pirate/Vampire shit, I’d like to add our new fascination with zombies. If you meet any male over the age of 30 who loves The Walking Dead, take the largest knife you can find and stab him in the balls repeatedly until his scrotum looks like a pint of cherry marmalade. He’s clearly a loser who will end up meeting Chris Hansen the hard way: with a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a story about how he’s not butt-naked in a stranger’s house with the intent of sodomizing a 14-year-old.

    As for the motorcycle ass-cunts, did you even notice the posture required to ride one of those crotch-rockets is the same needed to really enjoy a prison rape? There’s a reason for that. As for the trash-gash that rides on the back, well, the only reason they are there is because the only way they can have an orgasm is mechanically-based, if you know what mean. Mr. Cycle-Fruit can’t get a woman across the finish line, but thankfully the vibration of his out-of-tune 750cc motorcycle engine can…that is if he doesn’t splatter her all over the side of a bus first.

  • In the end, you will have assigned 136 confidence points (16+15+14+.
    Alabama will try to rebound from their loss to
    the Sooners and rank fourth in the Sporting News college football preseason rankings.
    So besides the fact that both sports are being played with
    11 players on the field, the similarity ends here.

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