by Ryan Meehan
Week seventeen had a lot of meaningless football.  It was also the “Super Bowl” for fantasy league, which proves the fantasy football makes no sense whatsoever, especially in a league where most of the best players are inactive the last week of the season.
Now since there isn’t a whole hell of a lot to preview, I’d like to briefly discuss something that happened on our site about a month back and apologize for it.  Around about late October, I began referring to the Seattle Seahawks as the “Seachickens” and I’d like to inform everyone that I won’t be doing that again.  It doesn’t have anything to do with lack of respect for the franchise or any of that, I just really don’t think it’s funny.  Although out of a lot of those nicknames it is the funniest, but none of them are funny really when you think about it.  And you know what nicknames I’m talking about:  Seachickens, Vi-Queens, Fudge-Packers, Cowgirls, et cetera.  It has NOTHING to do with whatever group I feel it may offend, it’s just not funny.  Don’t get me wrong, as a fan you’re allowed to hate whoever you want to and I have no problem with that.  But making up playground names just makes you sound like an eleven year old. 

The important thing is, now we know who’s going to the playoffs for sure.  At the end of this article, we’ll give you the full schedule and when everything’s going down.  This piece is going to be a tad abbreviated, but let’s take you through all of the action regardless of whether it mattered or not. 
Bears 17, Vikings 13  


Boy, Cavazos was right.  The whole Vikings quarterback melee is one big mess that no one can care about.  Christian Ponder got hurt for the second week in a row, yet another casualty in the seemingly endless trend of guys that just can’t take a hit.  And Joe Webb – what the hell is that guy running all over the place for?  I mean, good for the kid, but you eventually have to get rid of the ball…you know that right?  Brian Urlacher got nailed in this one by his own guy and it looks to be a long offseason of rehabbing for him with a severe leg injury.
Saints 45, Panthers 17


"Here, take this hat you don't care about…"

N’Awlins finishes 13-3 but still doesn’t get a bye week…shit happens.  I expected more out of Carolina but what are you going to do?  Hearing a lot of buzz that the Saints can beat the Packers if it comes down to that.  I know I’ve been hyping it for what seems like months now, but it’s getting closer and closer to becoming a reality every week.  Panthers have good building blocks, and apparently now have the advantage of the Buccaneers being the way they are for the front of Cam’s career. 

Patriots 49, Bills 21


This is one of those games from which the whole “unanswered points” term comes.  Buffalo scored three touchdowns right out of the box and I figured that New England was just saving themselves for the postseason.  Instead, they were just hiding behind that God-awful defense of theirs and were probably still asleep from the night before.  But once they woke up they scored seven straight touchdowns and it was all over with, and quick.   

Eagles 34, Redskins 10


Andy Reid: Could this be the end?

So the Eagles finished well, but where must the blame fall?  Who will take responsibility for the way they performed at the beginning of the year?  I look at the Eagles the same way I look at the Bears:  When you throw out all the injuries (which you have to because every team suffers them) why weren’t the able to get the job done early on?  When you have a team like the Philadelphia Eagles, this sort of bullshit-overinflated ego/hype machine you almost back yourself into a corner that doesn’t allow you the room to succeed unless you do get out to a great head start. 

Jaguars 19, Colts 13


Sadly, this was not put out by the Jaguars. And trust me, it was one of the most crushing blows of all time to find out that it wasn't, because it would have meant the world to me.

Colts get the first pick in the 2012 NFL draft, no big shocker there.  And I have no comment on the Jaguars, no big shocker there either.  Come to think of it, fuck this entire game altogether. 

Dolphins 19, Jets 17


The coach of one of of the most overrated and least interesting teams in the history of the league

Well lookie there, with all the shit the Jets continued to talk all year long about how this is the year they would win it all they end up not even making the playoffs.  I thought it was balls that the Dolphins played spoiler the way they did.  And I thought it was fantastic that NBC ran the Jets Pepsi Max commercial during the portion of the Giants game where they had pretty much clinched even though the Jets were already out.  It shows you get what you pay for and sometimes that bites you in the ass.  There is a rumor circulating that Santonio Holmes may have quit on his team late in the game, but that rumor would confuse me because I thought Holmes had already quit in the first New England game.  Rex Ryan is now all upset since he thought everything was going to work out alright, but now he’s in the same area the Eagles are:  Feeling sorry for themselves. 

Titans 23, Texans 22


In a twisted sort of way, this is exactly what I wanted, without the Titans winning of course.  Tennessee will miss the playoffs and Houston will limp in, as expected.  Hasselbeck was still the free agent signing of the year, but he wasn’t good enough to compete with some of the younger, more athletic QBs in the league. 

Packers 45, Lions 41 


This game was awesome.  Thoroughly entertaining to the last ounce.  Isn’t it funny how Detroit was supposed to be this big defensive powerhouse at the beginning of the year and now their offense all of a sudden feels the need to have to compensate for everything their defense can’t do.  To give you an idea of just how much overcompensating they TRIED to do:  Matthew Stafford threw for 520 yards and six touchdowns and the Lions still lost.  The last thing that I will mention about this game is that Packers second stringer Matt Flynn will be a free agent after the year is over and I’d be shocked if he isn’t starting for another team next year unless he’s just a huge fan of collecting jewelry. 

Steelers 13, Browns 9


Hines Ward's last regular season game was on Sunday

Now do you see why I don’t usually ever pick the Browns to score over ten points?  Here again another example of why the current playoff setup sucks:  Now the Steelers have to go to Denver in a stadium that’s almost all the way across the country to play a road game against a team that’s essentially four games worse than they are.  If the competition committee isn’t going to take a long hard look at that in the offseason, I’d seriously wonder what they’re going to be spending their time doing. 

Falcons 45, Buccaneers 24


Here again, the Falcons are not anywhere near this good. Not even close.

This game was 42 to nothing with six minutes left in the second quarter, and the Falcons basically stopped playing at that point.  There was no reason for them to, Detroit had already lost so next week’s matchups were already set.  To be honest even given that fact, I’m a little startled Tampa was able to make 24 points out of anything when you consider that this is their tenth straight loss. 

Chiefs 7, Broncos 3


"…And taketh away…especially if you droppeth…"

Denver is really, really lucky that the Raiders blew it.  They couldn’t have backed into the playoffs any harder if they tried, which didn’t end up mattering because they didn’t try.  Once again, barring injury Chiefs running back Dexter McCluster should have one hell of an NFL career. 

Chargers 38, Raiders 26


Photographic evidence that there is a difference between being "hardcore" and "really stupid"

Look, I understand that Jacoby Ford slipped on that last interception that Carson Palmer threw, but seriously man put your hand up for the fucking ball.  If the play is specifically designed so that you have to put your hands up to get it, there’s absolutely no chance that you’re going to catch it if you don’t put your hands up. 

Giants 31, Cowboys 14


This image is obviously photoshopped because there isn't at least one guy on both squads hovering in the neutral zone

The Giants flew out of the gate and took care of business in the first half, but they fell completely flat as soon as the third quarter started.  It was almost as if Tony Romo’s hand was perfectly fine and the first half was just a bad dream.  Thankfully, the Giants finally converted a major 3rd down to Victor Cruz, one of the most unlikely stories in the NFL this year.  Giants = in, Cowboys = out, Jerry Jones = full of whiskey. 

So here are the Wildcard Matchups for next Saturday and next Sunday: 

Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) at Houston Texans (10-6)

Detroit Lions (10-6) at New Orleans Saints (13-3)

Atlanta Falcons (10-6) at New York Giants (9-7)

Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) at Denver Broncos (8-8)

We’ll be back on Friday with our Wild Card picks and get right into the heart of the playoffs, until then please drive safely. 
Once again thank for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.


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