NFL Sports


by Ryan Meehan

I don't even care if this image is edited because as you well know this time of year, it's the thought that counts

Hopefully by now you’re all done with Christmas and full of holiday cheer.  I’ve ran out of milk three times in the last 48 hours, and I’m starting to worry about my dairy intake.  The NFL was also pretty thick, buttery, and solid to digest over the weekend.  But that means that post-Christmas there’s a lot of ex-lax to be bought, and nothing helps ease you into your New Year’s diet quite like that.  Let’s take a look at the damage done in week sixteen:

Indianapolis Colts 19, Houston Texans 16

A photograph from a recent sporting competition

Just when you thought the Andrew Luck sweepstakes was over, Indy is making it interesting again. Although in all fairness, the Texans had nothing to play for. Everybody knows they weren’t going to get a bye week. How about this Dan Orlovsky guy from the Colts?  These past two weeks he’s made quite the case for getting a decent one year deal with a different team.  Of course I’m kidding, after next week it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever see him again. 

Baltimore Ravens 20, Cleveland Browns 14

That's the Browns problem. They're not trying to tackle, they're trying to hold hands. Man, I should be a consultant.

Little bit more of a fight than I had projected out of the Browns, but a win for the Ravens nonetheless. Even though at several points in the season I had Baltimore as my dark horse, someone on the radio made an interesting point this morning: With the weak losses that the Ravens have had this year (Titans/Seahawks/Jaguars…) it’s going to be easy for whichever team they play to sit there in the film room and say…”Wait a minute…if the Jaguars or Titans were able to get over on that defense, we can EASILY do it.”  And if you can’t look at each other and agree that you’re better than one of those teams, then not only are you not an AFC elite team, you probably shouldn’t even be in the playoffs to begin with.

Buffalo Bills 40, Denver Broncos 14

Not Pictured: Satan watching this in HD with "Dirty Black Summer" blasting on his stereo

A lot of the football purists were saying that Denver’s defense should have been getting a lot of the credit when they were on that winning streak, and they were right. But if that’s the case, you’d have to give them the same tongue lashing when things didn’t go well, and the Buffalo Bills just ran up forty points on them. So much for no brainers. So how exactly did the Buffalo Bills score 40 points? Well, Tim Tebow threw four picks and the Bills were able to turn them all into points. Broncos coach John Fox seems to think he just made a few bad decisions, and that may be true because they were all low percentage throws where he panicked.

Tennessee Titans 23, Jacksonville Jaguars 17

An NFL referee enjoys some pornography during the Titans-Jaguars game.

Dehhhh. Deh doo dah DEN DENNN!!! Doo dee DEN DEN DEN!!!! DENNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!  If you took the video feed of this game, and then put the audio feed of Beavis and Butthead on top of it at full volume, you’d be a lot smarter for doing so.  For the Titans to make the playoffs, two things have to happen:  They beat the Texans in Houston and the Bengals lose to the Ravens in Cincinnati.  Additionally, every state also has to legalize selling polar bear meat.

Minnesota Vikings 33, Washington Redskins 26

And things were going SO WELL for the Vikings…

Somebody should text Humphreys from and see if the mob has tried to kill him yet. Man, what a bad week to gamble.  It doesn’t make any sense either but I guess if somebody has to win, that somebody can always be somebody other than Rex Grossman.  Adrian Peterson suffered an ACL injury in this one that is likley to have lingering effects into next season as he will now need surgery.  He’ll be back, but if he says he’ll be 100%, he’s lying. 

New York Giants 29, New York Jets 14

Rex Ryan and Brandon Jacobs exchanging pleasantries Saturday.

This was a game the Giants desperately needed. It was also a came that contained one of the funnier things I’ve seen in recent years: Brandon Jacobs getting in Rex Ryan’s face on the Jets’ sidelines, and then calling him a bitch right after the game. I love it. And it’s not like everybody else in the league wasn’t already thinking it, Jacobs just had the balls to say something about it.

Cincinnati Bengals 23, Arizona Cardinals 16

Bengals Wideout Jerome Simpson providing an excellent example of how to break your neck by only scoring six points

The Bengals moved a game ahead of the Jets in the playoff race.  The Cardinals are now out but even if they would have won they’d still have been out anyways.  Cincinnati faces a tough task in Baltimore but only because they’re inexperienced and much younger.  Otherwise right now I think that’d be a really close game. 

San Francisco 49ers 19, Seattle Seahawks 17

But seriously, why the hell not?

The Seahawks were officially mathematically eliminated from playoff contention with this 19-17 loss against the 49ers, but did make some improvements as the year progressed. The 49ers looked strong, but it would be a hard sell to expect them to do anything should they end up running into the Packers.

Oakland Raiders 16, Kansas City Chiefs 13

If the Raiders got rid of everyone else and kept Sebastian Janikowski they could save themselves millions of dollars and the results wouldn't be all that different

With the Denver loss, Oakland is tied for first place in the AFC West with the Denver Broncos and it looks like it’s going to come down to the last week of the season. The Chiefs showed that when it really counted, they were a thirteen point team, which they’ve been the whole year, albeit sometimes in disguise.

Carolina Panthers 48, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 16

Cam Newton gives Colgate another free commercial

Since I’m a math guy, this sounds about right because at the moment, the Carolina Panthers are about three times as relevant as Tampa is. They might not be three times as good, but in a league where merchandising is key when you’re both below .500 with two games left and neither team is going to make the playoffs, selling jerseys is probably more important than winning. I like the Panthers to take a serious step forward next year, and for the Bucs to take a serious step back, if that’s even possible. And while free agents will be flocking to Carolina for the opportunity to play with Cam Newton, players will be leaving Tampa in droves to go play for teams like the Panthers.

Philadelphia Eagles 20, Dallas Cowboys 7

"Come on guys, You guys aren't very nice!!!"

So it officially became “too little, too late” for the Eagles on Saturday, which had to sting because not only did they win, they won against a division rival on the road and still ended up getting eliminated regardless. For the Eagles, (comparatively speaking) moving forward they have to have cautious optimism: – at least in place of the “overwhelming optimism” that they possessed before the season even started, with all of this dream team talk. The Cowboys on the other hand will be playing for a postseason trip – really simple situation, if they make it they’re in, if they don’t they aren’t. And if they play anything like the way they’ve played since the final five minutes of that first Giants game, I think we can all pretty much agree we won’t be seeing any playoff games at Jerryworld this year.

New England Patriots 27, Miami Dolphins 24

I always thought stockings were comfy but they made shitty workboots.

This one was probably pretty stressful for Koz. Here were the Pats, down 17-0 at halftime against the off again/on again Dolphins and ready to take the proverbial Patriots-bashing rhetoric from the media that was about to follow. But then Brady got lit like he always does, and you just knew it wasn’t going to fall short.

Pittsburgh Steelers 27, St. Louis Rams 0

Finally, a scene the Rams are used to

That’s two goose eggs for the Rams in the last three weeks. It was a much more impressive showing for Pittsburgh, who was pretty much humiliated by the 49ers in the Power Outage Bowl the week before. The Steelers look ready; it’s just more of a question if they can stay healthy or not.

Detroit Lions 38, San Diego Chargers 10

The Lions need one of those signs that say "This football team has gone ____ days without a fine from the comissioner's office"

Talk about two teams that are hard to figure out: A month ago the Chargers were recuperating quite well after losing six straight, and the Lions were starting to show that maybe they had gotten lucky the first third of the season, or had just become successful by literally stepping all over everyone else. This game was the exact opposite of that: The Chargers looked horrid (which I have to admit, I enjoy deep down inside) and the Lions looked great. And I don’t usually toss the word “great” around Matthew Stafford that much.

Green Bay Packers 35, Chicago Bears 21

There will be an injury from one of these at some point and it's going to be very, very funny

Watched every minute of this game and don’t regret it at all. Anytime spent watching the Green Bay Packers is time well spent, there’s just one thing I don’t understand: If Dom Capers is supposedly this defensive mastermind, how come the Packers continue to struggle on defense? And don’t tell me it’s injuries because they still have their best linebacker intact, and the injury excuse is bullshit by this time of year because all 32 teams have holes on their roster. So what gives?  What gives is that they can’t always “flip the switch”.  But when they bump into something in the dark and the switch goes on, whoever they are playing is fucking dead.  

New Orleans Saints 45, Atlanta Falcons 16

"Look, I KNOW I'm not going to win the MVP."

Smear campaign. And it makes sense too because Atlanta is junk so everything’s clever right? Hardly a shock to see Drew Brees break the single season passing record on Monday Night Football. Hopefully can’t wait to see a Saints/Packers NFC Championship game in the very near future.

This upcoming week Cavazos is going to join us and we’re going to break down all of the games, hopefully with a little more focus on the ones that matter than the ones that don’t. Until then, drive safely.

Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.


1 Comment

  • Drew Brees broke Marino’s record . Oh no , now what are Dolphins’ fans going to continue to bitch and whine about ? Oh I forgot their yet unchallenged 72-73 record which they always carp on about because that franchise hasn’t done anything relevant since then ! tophatal ……………

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