THE DEEP SICKS 12/17/11

by Ryan Meehan
 
I’ve done this before, but this piece is going to be the first in a series of articles where I simply list six things that make me want to choke people and explain why.  This will be a feature called “The Deep Sicks” where we review such topics from time to time.  It’s not going to have a set schedule, and the frequency of which they are posted is going to depend on nothing more than when I will have a total of six things that make me so upset I feel the need to type them out.  I will attempt to not repeat myself, and please feel free to call me out if I do so.  So what’s pissing me off this holiday season? 

 
1.  Anybody who takes my credit card that makes any comment at all about the lack of attention to detail I put forth when signing my name  

 
I had this happen AGAIN last week.  I was at a gas station and signed a receipt and the cashier felt she had to put her two cents in as to how she couldn’t read my John Hancock.  Who gives a shit?  This is completely uncalled for because IT PRINTS OUT WHAT MY NAME IS ON THE ACTUAL RECEIPT.  And even if it didn’t, it’s not like the signature itself is important information.  What do you want me to put on that line?  My recipe for French Silk Pie?  It’s a goddamned credit card receipt.  It’s not as if gas station attendants who make eight bucks an hour all have this hidden talent when it comes to analyzing handwriting.  They should consider themselves lucky they didn’t end up being aborted and that everything after that should be gravy.  What I really should start do is go to the gas station when I have a ton of free time to blow, very well prepared.  Then when one of these high school dropouts who have criticized me for my prior work asks me to sign the credit card receipt, I’ll whip a cup of crayons out of my coat pocket and start drawing a picture and begin giggling hysterically.  And if they’re still sitting there dumbfounded after five minutes or so, I’ll mention that I need my diaper changed immediately or there’s no way in hell I’m paying for my gas. 

2.  These ads Dr. Pepper is running for its “Dr. Pepper 10” product

This is just plain off the wall.  Imagine if some jackoff from the marketing department at the company you worked for walked into a meeting and said:  “I have this great idea for a marketing slogan that mathematically eliminates 50% of our customer base right off the bat”.  That guy would likely be out on his ass.  But that’s exactly what happened at the Dr. Pepper marketing braintrust, who also happens to employ the services of Kiss, the band of little people that dresses up like Kiss, and the chick from the Black Eyed Peas who does too much crystal.  If you haven’t seen this yet, their new slogan for the product is:  “Dr. Pepper Ten:  It’s not for women.”  Are you serious?  That’s your tagline?  Susan B. Anthony must be rolling in her grave.  In a society that’s so oversensitive towards someone that might feel like they’re being left out, I can’t believe that more people haven’t been complaining about this.  Hell, PETA is always complaining about plenty of stuff that’s none of their business and they haven’t mentioned a word about any of this.  What gives? 

3.  Nickelback being Sent up from Hades by the Devil Himself in an Attempt to continue to destroy the Airwaves

Yes, we are aware that Nickelback does write catchy songs, we get it.  It doesn’t mean that they are incredible musicians, it simply means that they have concocted a formula for writing pop rock tracks that will chart every three or four months.  I’m sure they’re nice guys and they have taken care of their families and all of that mushy stuff, but I still think they suck and I want no part of it.  It has to be the work of the devil, because it just seems like they are way too lucky to keep this thing going.  Or maybe it’s not the doing of the underworld, perhaps it’s the work of something or somebody beyond the grave.  I say this because I have actually developed a theory about Nickelback:  I think that when they were first getting popular, some teenage kid somewhere in Canada was driving to one of their shows and died in a horrible car wreck.  And since that moment, that kid’s soul has haunted the jukebox of every dive bar in America.  And mall loudspeakers, and grocery store loudspeakers, and loudspeakers in any other of the fifteen million places you might need to go throughout your day that just can’t do business without fucking Nickelback in the background.  It’s literally unavoidable.  And I probably wouldn’t even be so passionate about my hatred for them but you can go to several establishments consecutively and there’s a very serious possibility you might hear Nickelback at every single one of them. 

4.  Anybody essentially telling me that I can not continue on with my life if I don’t see a certain movie

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a big movie person.  Yet almost everywhere I go, someone is assuring me that I “have to” see a certain movie.  Couple things about this:  First, the film industry sucks ass.  They’re a bunch of liberal shitheads that have been robbing Americans of their hard earned money for years by selling them a sub-average product that for the most part is identical to the other products they’ve previously put out.  So fuck them, I don’t owe the film industry one sliver of my attention.  Second, I don’t have to do anything.  When all of this bullshit is over, I just know that I have to die and that’s pretty much all I have on my schedule.  So for the last time – No, I haven’t seen the movie you’re talking about.  Just like I haven’t seen Star Wars, Casablanca, Gone With the Wind, or any of the other movies that are considered to be “classics”.  And you know what?  Almost every morning I wake up I feel happy and healthy.  Maybe not perfect, but I definitely don’t have this void in my life because I’ve recently passed on going to see an Adam Sandler movie where he farts and the entire movie theatre doubles over with laughter because they’re still shallow, petty, spoon-fed morons that live in a world where you can never have too much “Happy Gilmore”.  Trust me, I may not have it all figured out but I’m sure that I’m going to be just fine if I don’t see the next movie with “Insert stock comedian’s name here” in it.  What’s also puzzling to me is by the time that most of these film buff assholes have got finished explaining the movie to me, they’ve already told me a majority of the punch lines anyway so why would I waste my money? 

5.  Douchebags who pull up along the side of me at a stoplight, and rev their engine up as if I am going to drag race them in my 2003 gold Ford Taurus

I have no problem with the drag racing culture as a whole.  One of my really good friends is a member of that community; he owns all of the “Fast and the Furious” movies, is an auto mechanic, and knows basically everything about cars.  I do understand the car culture, and I can see how there is sort of a male-dominance thing that’s going on there where you feel the need to showcase the power of something that you’ve obviously paid a lot of money for.  So it’s not the culture I have a problem with, it’s the assumption that I’m also a major part of it.  Now if there is some guy in the metro area that is rolling around in the same car that I have racing everybody he comes into contact with, first of all – Fuck him.  And in what world does he live in where he thinks that he can outdrive a guy who’s spent more money under the hood of his car in the past month than he’s spent in his entire life on his teeth?  What really gets me about this one is, the real “car culture” people aren’t to blame here, it’s these dudes that have one nice/rare part on their vehicle and all of a sudden they think they’re (whoever won the NASCAR championship/cup/series/whatever).  Those people don’t realize that if they were to actually race somebody who knows what they’re doing, they would probably break their precious ride in half.  So I’ve decided that the next time I get up to a stoplight and I’m stuck next to one of these sad sacks of shit, the second I hear him rev up his engine I’m going to stare him right in the eye as if I plan on challenging him.  Then much to his dismay, when he hits the gas I’m going to lay on my horn so that it scares the shit out of him and then he rolls his car into a ditch.  Well, if he was that much of a badass he should have gone all the way and gotten a nice car stereo too so that he couldn’t even hear my horn in the first place.  Of course I’m kidding; my car horn hasn’t worked in years. 

6.  Overuse of the word “crazy” like it’s somehow a positive thing

For the most part, you don’t want anything to do with what crazy really means.  Crazy pisses in the oven and shits in the fridge.  Crazy eats the gum out of the urinal in the bathroom at the mall.  I know that I’ve done plenty of things in my lifetime that would be accurately described by that word (mostly when I was in high school and the first two years of college), but when you take out a lot of that “craziness” it’s just a bunch of people wandering around some strange house hoping the police aren’t called.  The word just doesn’t fit the description of our everyday lives.  Unless you sell AK-47s out of the back of a rolling meth lab, you’re going to make yourself some canned corn when you get home, your cat’s going to piss in its litter box, and then you’re going to pass out in your boxer shorts.  This is just another example of how people misuse the English language to make it seem like their lives are more interesting than they actually are.  We’re all guilty of it at some point or another, but people who don’t know any better use that word all the time.  Jeffrey Dahmer was crazy.  He was also beaten to death in prison.  You still wanna get “crazy” next Friday night?  I didn’t think so…

Summary:  I guess there is no real “summary” here.  And I suppose that if I’m suggesting people just use common sense, I’m barking up the wrong tree until the aliens come back. 

Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content. 

Meehan