by Ryan Meehan
Week eight should be a tad more exciting than some of the bullshit we saw last Sunday and Monday. Monday Night Football was even worse than the previous week as the Jaguars beat the Ravens 12-7. I couldn’t believe it…The Ravens beat the Texans, and then in the same year lose to the Titans and Jacksonville? Confusing… Tuesday Terrell Owens scheduled a tryout that was open to all 32 NFL teams and not one of them showed up. Then, Thursday afternoon a report of yet another suicide attempt leaked to TMZ: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/terrell_owens_assistant_described_W7nkKbx52PKbz8FJhFt4WJ Ugh. Let’s see what’s crackalackin’ in week eight…
Jacksonville (2-5) at Houston (4-3)
I can only assume the Texans are back in business after their 41-7 drubbing of the Titans last week. They have a great chance to stay above .500 at home against the Jaguars, who had to have gotten lucky last week, but that’s an entirely different story. Texans WR Andre Johnson is still out even though he showed progress recovering from the injury this past week. Once again, everything is set up for the Texans to win this division so let’s hope they can actually get it done and not blow it.
Texans 26, Jaguars 11
Indianapolis (0-7) at Tennessee (3-3)
Boy oh boy, what ISN’T wrong with the Colts? I don’t even know where to start. There is plenty wrong with the Titans too, they just didn’t expect anything this year so everything over .500 seems like gravy. Truth be told, I don’t really give a shit about either one of these teams, but the Titans are better.
Titans 31, Colts 15
Arizona (1-5) at Baltimore (4-2)
Well I thought the Ravens could take pretty much anybody, but now I don’t know what to think. At least this one will be a home game for them, and right now Arizona doesn’t look very good on offense at all. This is a tough one for Baltimore no matter what because even if they win, very few people are going to be able to look past the fact that their only losses are to the Jaguars and the Titans and they were both inexcusable. The Ravens should thank their lucky stars that this game is at home, they’re a far cry from being a good road team.
Ravens 27, Cardinals 20
Minnesota (1-6) at Carolina (2-5)
The Vikings looked pretty decent for one half against Green Bay but then they slowly let it slip away, which could be attributed to the fact that they were starting a rookie for his first time. Carolina has themselves a rookie too, but it’s a guy who’s going to make quite an impression once he works through his growing pains. Speaking of Growing Pains, the guy who played Boner on that show is dead. So slappeth the judgmental hand of God.
Panthers 28, Vikings 27
Miami (0-6) at New York Giants (4-2)
Giants running back Brandon Jacobs will play in this game, but has hinted to the media that this will be his last season in a Giant uniform. As stated in last week’s article, I honestly believe that the Dolphins are worse than the other winless teams. The Giants are coming off a bye and will be beginning the more difficult portion of their interconference schedule with the AFC East as they play the Patriots and Jets shortly thereafter. But rememeber, the Giants did lose at home to the Seahawks. Trey Wingo said something I thought was really interesting on NFL Live Friday: In recent history the Giants have scaled back their level of play when facing weaker opponents. Food for thought, but the Dolphins REALLY suck.
Giants 40, Dolphins 13
New Orleans (5-2) at St. Louis (0-6)
Comapred to last week, this should be a relatively low scoring affair for the Saints. It’ll be about the same for the Rams, who are part of low scoring affairs on an almost weekly basis with the only exception being when they have a bye.
Saints 39, Rams 3
Washington (3-3) at Buffalo (4-2)
If you thought the Redskins looked flat last week, just wait until you see them without Tim Hightower on the field. He was a large percent of their offense and they are going to miss him dearly. The Bills on the other hand signed qaurterback Ryan Fitzpatrick to a 6 year/59 million dollar deal, so they are going to be expecting a big game out of him. There was a bullshit comment from George Wilson about how since they’re playing in Toronto that it’s an away game, but real professionals don’t whine about stuff like that. Reagrdless, I believe they will beat the Redskins, who aren’t fooling anybody anymore.
Bills 20, Redskins 13
Detroit (5-2) at Denver (2-4)
So the Lions do play road games. Huh, go figure. What to watch for: Champ Bailey vs. Calvin Johnson. Sure, Bailey’s older and Johnson’s going to have a couple of inches on him, but I’ve seen Bailey win those wars before. It’s too bad for the Broncos that the beginning of their season went so poorly, but I hate Broncos fans so in this roundabout way they sort of deserve it. As for the Lions, they seem to have gotten too cocky too fast, and it’s started to affect the way they are executing on the field. Plus, I’m on the Tebow Train. Lions lose 3 straight.
Broncos 23, Lions 21
New England (5-1) at Pittsburgh (5-2)
Can’t wait to see this one. The Patriots are coming off of a bye week and will be rolling into the city of steel looking to prove AFC supremacy since Baltimore is no longer a valid part of that conversation. ProFootballTalk.com is reporting that it is “highly unlikely” Hines Ward will play on Sunday. There was this goofy story that came out this week after a picture surfaced of Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski shirtless with some porn star named Bibi Jones wearing his jersey. I honestly don’t know why this is even news. He issued an apology, but why? Now athletes aren’t supposed to be into hot women? That’s insane. What I hate the most about all of it is it’s overshadowing the fact that Gronkowski, Wes Welker, and Aaron Hernandez are becoming quite the trio of receivers. Easily the game of the week and even though it’s in Pittsburgh I like the Patriots to pull this one out, but just barely.
Patriots 26, Steelers 24
Cincinnati (4-2) at Seattle (2-4)
It’s hard for me to talk shit about Seattle because they did beat the Giants in week five, but honestly they are terrible. The Bengals have surprised me, and Andy Dalton seems to be flying under the radar quite nicely, what with all of the publicity surrounding Cam Newton and Tim Tebow. But he’s had a hell of a year so far…
Bengals 28, Seahawks 12
Cleveland (3-3) at San Francisco (5-1)
If you throw away all of the talk about how poor the NFC West is overall, the San Francisco 49ers have had a great year. Whereas previously we would expect the division winner finish 8-8 or 9-7 (or in last year’s case 7-9) the Niners could easily finish 12-4 and they would be taken seriously. The Browns should be an easy game for them, especially at home where the fans are really starting to get behind that team.
49ers 20, Browns 10
Dallas (3-3) at Philadelphia (2-4)
As a Giants fan, I hate to pick these games but I love to watch the Eagles and the Cowboys beat up on each other. Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan said before the year started that Philadelphia was an “all-hype” team. Given the fact that the Eagles’ record is pretty much the opposite of what it should be, he may be right but I’ll never understand why opposing coaches do that. It almost always ends up biting them in the ass. (I guess in Ryan’s case maybe he’s got so much ass to bite he figures he might not even notice) Tony Romo will play well here but in the end the Linc will be rowdy as hell and the Eagles will get the win.
Eagles 30, Cowboys 27
San Diego (4-2) at Kansas City (3-3)
I’m only picking the Chiefs to win here because lately I’ve become furious with the lackadazical approach that the Chargers seem to have towards being a professional football team. They just showboat their way into the playoffs with almost no effort every year and I”ve about fucking had it. Kansas City showed some real promise last week shutting out Oakland, but the Raiders didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground in that one. If the Chargers do want to make a statement that they are for real, they need to go out there and score at least 35 points against a defense that’s just seven days removed from pitching a shutout. I don’t see that much determination on that roster so it won’t happen.
Chiefs 27, Chargers 19
Bye Weeks: Altanta Falcons, Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, New York Jets, Oakland Raiders, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Falcons head coach Mike Smith said that he’s going to give his team the entire week off a day after a postgame conference in which he mentioned that his team needs to “get on a winning streak”. I’m not exactly sure how those two things add up, but I hope for his sake he knows what the hell he’s doing. The Bears don’t need to make a whole lot of adjustments, but also don’t need to let their ego lead them to believe that they still don’t have work to do. The Packers looked shaky at times in the first half against the Vikings, but don’t kid yourselves the Packers don’t have shit to worry about at the moment. It would take at least two straight losses to get me to believe that they would be in trouble, and even then it wouldn’t be serious. The Jets are going to continue to come up with new ways to make sure that we talk about their coaching staff even though they aren’t even playing. Oakland has a lot of explaining to do and it may be a hole to deep to climb out of. Tampa? We’ll see…
A couple facts about my balls
It is commonplace in most cases for one testicle to hang lower than the other. This is not the case with mine, as they both hang the same distance from the shaft in perfect symmetry.
My balls also have their own central nervous system that includes a brain and allows for them to experience and display human emotions that no other individual’s balls can.
What to watch for this weekend
Obviously, you’re going to want to watch for a fight in the Cowboys-Eagles game. It will also be interesting to see how many points the Saints score to follow up that 62-7 beatdown they put on the Colts last Sunday night. Also be watching for any new facts about my balls that may be brought up during the broadcasts.
But seriously, if you can only watch one game on Sunday check out Steelers-Patriots. Those games are always top shelf and this one should be no exception, even smack dab in the middle of the season. This has become a great conference rivalry in recent years and I love the way these teams match up this year.
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