NFL Sports


by Ryan Meehan
The one thing I won’t do in these pieces is lie to you, so I’ll just come out and say it:  I am mailing this one the fuck in.  I haven’t had a lot of time to dedicate to an article about anything, let alone football.  However I did catch last week’s action and there are some really good matchups this week, so don’t let my lack of preparation somehow convince you that this weekend shouldn’t be awesome.  So here’s my abbreviated version of Week four’s picks: 
Detroit (3-0) at Dallas (2-1)

Last week I mistakenly declared that the Bills’ undefeated season would stop short as a result of the Patriots.  I won’t be wrong about the Lions this week. Dallasis going to be on a roll for a while, so get used to it.  (I know, I hate it too…) 

Cowboys 26, Lions 23
Tennessee (2-1) at Cleveland (2-1)

To be brutally honest, I didn’t realize that both of these teams were 2-1.  What’s even scarier is that one of these teams will be 3-1 after the end of this game.  The Browns are in first place?  Weird… I like them to break Matt Hasselbeck’s heart here though. 

Browns 27, Titans 12
Buffalo (3-0) at Cincinnati (1-2)

Regardless of whether or not Buffalois the real deal, they should fucking destroy the Bengals.  If I hear Chris Berman say “No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills” one more time, I’m going to stab myself in both of my nostrils with an open pair of scissors.  It doesn’t matter there’s no way that Cincinnatiwins here. 

Bills 37, Bengals 16 
Minnesota (0-3) at Kansas City (0-3)

In this week’s “I’d rather get fucked in the asshole with a hot curling iron than watch this bullshit” matchup, someone’s dreams are going to be crushed here because unfortunately one of these teams is going to have to win.  That someone is me. 

Vikings 7, Chiefs 6 or Vikings 52, Chiefs 51
San Francisco (2-1) at Philadelphia (1-2)

I’ll get to records not mattering later.  Even if you’re biggest Michael Vick fan in the entire world, you have to admit this week to week drama with his status is tiresome.  Because of the style of football that he plays, he’s going to end up being hurt a lot.  It doesn’t matter if it’s an ankle, shoulder, knee, whatever…he’s going to have some type of minor injury almost every week.  It would just be nice to get through a Sunday night episode of Sportscenter without every reporter, anchor, and beatwriter inAmericafreaking the fuck out about Vick’s supposed injury, only to find out Wednesday that he’s fine and is going to play.  He’s becoming the NFL’s new week-to-week Brett Favre…the constant “will he or won’t he” dialogue is wearing me out, and the fact that the sports media makes it impossible to ignore certainly doesn’t help.  San Francisco is full of shit. 

Eagles 21, 49ers 10
Washington (2-1) at St. Louis (1-2)

Home field advantage doesn’t do anything for the Rams anymore, and the Redskins lost a close one last week so I’m taking Washingtonbut just barely. 

Redskins 22, Rams 18
Carolina (1-2) at Chicago (1-2)

What you hope for and what you actually think will happen are two very different things.  I hope that Cam Newton will have a huge day and work the Bears over in every facet of the game.  But the reality is, they just don’t have the defensive strength to contain Matt Forte, so I’ll take Chicagoat home against a team that isn’t the Packers. 

Bears 28, Panthers 25
New Orleans (2-1) at Jacksonville (1-2)

The Saints look very hot at the moment. Jacksonvilledoesn’t.  On the bright side, they will get to play the Colts twice this year.  It’s quite possible that a lot of analysts looked at the Saints as incapable of being a Super Bowl contender after the playoff loss to the Seahawks last year, but that game should have never been inSeattleand they wouldn’t have lost it if it wasn’t.  The Saints can be great, they just need to score 32 to 44 points every game to win because their defense is so piss-poor. 

Saints 28, Jaguars 20
Pittsburgh (2-1) at Houston (2-1)

I’m looking for this to be the game of the week.  Which is interesting because eight days ago I thought Houston/Pittsburgh was going to be the game of the week, and it was.  I personally hold the opinion that the Texans are no bullshit.  And hating the Steelers is in my blood, even though I’m not quite sure why. 

Texans 31, Steelers 24
Atlanta (1-2) at Seattle (1-2)

This will be the week where the Falcons trick everyone into thinking they’re back on track.  They’re not.  Even thoughSeattlewon at home last week, the Falcons will win this game because people are starting to get really impatient with them.  The last thingAtlantawants to happen to them is to end up being this year’s 2010-2011 Cowboys.  Which is funny, because the only thing right now that would give them an excuse for their poor performance is if Matt Ryan got hurt.  Isn’t life disturbing? 

Falcons 23, Seahawks 21
New York Giants (2-1) at Arizona (1-2)

The Cardinals lost to the Seahawks last week, shocking me even though the twelfth man was in full effect.  The Giants are a total fraud and I love it. 

Giants 29, Cardinals 24
Denver (1-2) at Green Bay (3-0)

This one has all of the ingredients for a murder.  Fantasy nerds who have Aaron Rodgers will be loving the box score after this one.  If I’m the Broncos, I just accept that our team is going to lose and start Tim Tebow.  That way it’ll be over with, and he’ll get to see what life in the NFL is really like against a high-caliber defense.  But then again, that would mean Tebow would be all over the highlight real every time he handed the ball off for a two yard running play, so maybe I retract my previous statement. 

Packers 41, Broncos 14
Miami (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Did I mention I have a huge mancrush on Darren Sproles?  I do.  I really think Sporano’s days are numbered in Miami.  And why won’t he ever take off his goddamned sunglasses?  That’ll be a long flight home.  Philip Rivers will eventually be judged on whether or not he can get to a Super Bowl and make it at least competitive.  (We’ll worry about him winning one IF he ever gets there)  In other words, when you look back on his body of work at the end of his career you probably won’t remember week four of 2011 against the Dolphins. 

Chargers 34, Dolphins 11

New England (2-1) at Oakland (2-1)

This is also going to be awesome.  I think for once the AFC West might actually go down to the wire this year devoid of whichever teams fighting for it floating around the .500 mark.  The Patriots don’t want to lose two in a row but Oakland’s a tough place to play at home, and you have to figure the only game the Raiders have lost this year was at the last second.  Sorry Chad…

Raiders 30, Patriots 28
New York Jets (2-1) at Baltimore (2-1)

I’m surprised we haven’t heard more shit talking from this one, seeing as how both of these teams are perennial league leaders in that category.  Rex Ryan will head home to face his old team where he will be greeted with a whole boatload of the defensive looks that he made popular in that same stadium.  But in the end, I can’t seem to erase the memory of the Titans running up an inexcusable 26 points on the Ravens’ defense a couple weeks back.  SorryChad…again…

Jets 17, Ravens 16

Indianapolis (0-3) at Tampa Bay (2-1)

Should be easy.  Like I said,Tampais overrated as hell be right now.  My cat could run on the Buccaneers.  But my cat could also eat the Colts’ defensive starters.  Monday Night Misery, don’t have a whole lot to say about this one. Indianapolisalmost gets shutout, but not quite. 

Bucs 24, Colts 3

Did You Notice?

How many average, sub-average, or just plain shitty 2-1 teams there are?  This is why even though it is important to get off to a good start, you can’t totally immerse yourself in the standings after three games.  We’re all guilty of it (look at how many times I just mentioned them) but in all reality it doesn’t mean much of anything.  I guarantee you 60-70% of the teams that are 2-1 right now won’t make it to the postseason. 

What to watch for this week/Odd Prediction: 

People throwing weird shit on the field at the Oakland/NE game.  You’ll know which ones are Raiders fans because they either dress like they’re in Gwar or they actually ARE in Gwar.  And since there’s just a general dislike for the Patriots around the league, (be it the fallout from spygate or just the fact that they’ve won three Super Bowls with Brady at quarterback) I can see things getting out of hand in the stands real quick like in Oakland.  I don’t wish for it to happen, but it really surprises me there isn’t more violence in American professional sports.  When you compare our sporting events to everything that gets set on fire during a soccer riot, it’s easy to forget events like the one that happened at Dodger Stadium earlier this year. 

Enjoy the weekend, and I promise to bring my A game back…at some point.  

Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.

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