by Ryan Meehan
I’m actually in and out of the other room watching the Mariners play the Yankees, which is sort of like a dream come true if it’s always been a fantasy of yours to eat a late dinner with Jay Buhner. I just got finished listening to a bunch of elderly people scream at each other during a condominium association meeting, and my cat is on the porch killing moths as they fly in because she’s heavy metal like that.
As for football, it’s only one week. Just because Cincinnati, Buffalo, Jacksonville, Washington, and San Franciscoare all undefeated now doesn’t mean anything. After two weeks we will know more about who’s bad than who’s decent or great. Right now it’s all just speculation. I speculated in the shower this morning. (Sorry, I love that joke.)
Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) at Detroit Lions (1-0)
Obviously Kansas City got completely thrashed at home last week by Buffalo so everyone will be talking about that all week, which they shouldn’t, just like the Chiefs shouldn’t have made the playoffs last year to begin with. Detroit still has a long way to go but it’s visible that things finally might be starting to change.
Lions 31, Chiefs 21
OaklandRaiders (1-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-0)
This week the Bills won’t be as exciting on offense. The Raiders’ defensive backs are all over the field and should provide plenty of explosiveness to rattle a young quarterback like Fitzpatrick. Not expecting a lot of points scored by either team.
Raiders 16, Bills 15
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) at MinnesotaVikings (0-1)
It’s easy to tell this game isn’t exactly expected to be a great one, because every sports website I go to seems to have the previews and injury updates buried beneath every other game that’s going on this week. What that essentially means is that no one could care less either way, but they still have to report on it. I thought even though they had improved significantly last year it would have been a non story even if they made the playoffs as they wouldn’t have stood a chance against any of the other NFC teams. The only real bright spot for the Bucs is that Atlanta and New Orleans both lost last week, but Tampa screwed that up because they lost too. However I do like the way their defense matches up against the run and you know Minnesota will be doing plenty of that.
Bucs 21, Vikings 13
Chicago Bears (1-0) at New Orleans Saints (0-1)
Brian Urlacher’s mother passed away this week, however he has returned to the team and will play with what’s likely a heavy heart on Sunday. That being said, the Superdome is a shitty place to play on the road and the Saints always seem to play well in home openers. If they can take Green Bay down to the last play of the game they can definitely beat Chicago.
Saints 27, Bears 25
Baltimore Ravens (1-0) at Tennessee Titans (0-1)
Today in FOH math class we’ll do inequalities. Here’s a good one: Ray Rice + Ricky Williams > any five players on the Titans roster. That duo proved to be impressive against the Steelers so they ought to eat the Titans alive. Still waiting for Chris Johnson to earn all of that money he’s getting now. The good news for him is he may have plenty of time to do just that, as that division might come down to the last week with the Colts being so horrible this year. Until then it could be a long autumn.
Ravens 36, Titans 3
Cleveland Browns (0-1) atIndianapolis Colts (0-1)
I think the Colts will score more points this week but it still won’t be anything to write home about. It’s hard to believe I’m picking the Browns over the Colts here. I try not to go too out of the way when I make upset picks, but I don’t even consider this one to be an upset of any kind whatsoever. Peyton Hillis is going to make that defense bleed something fierce and the Colts will start the season 0-2.
Browns 25, Colts 21
Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0) at New York Jets (1-0)
No way Jacksonville wins this. Take New York to cover the spread for sure…Obviously the Jets talk a big game, it’s easy for them to back it up against teams like this but these are the ones where Mark Sanchez should have career days. Whenever he doesn’t have a big day in these matchups, I start to wonder if he will ever have what it takes to finally get the Jets to the Super Bowl. But it’s early yet.
Jets 37, Jaguars 11
Seattle Seahawks (0-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)
Make no bones about it, the Steelers are going to com into this one real mad. Tomlin likes to keep a low profile and not show signs of panic, but if they can get away with sending a huge message to the rest of the league without playing the rest of the league, this is the week it’s going to happen. If it slipped your memory (and it most likely did) this one is a rematch of Super Bowl XL in which Ben Ruestttheilseerburgee (sp?) had a passer rating in the twenties and Pittsburgh still won. Even though he’s lost lineman Willie Colon for the year he should put up huge numbers here. So he’ll be a good pick to start for fantasy football this week, whatever the fuck that means.
Green Bay Packers (1-0) at Carolina Panthers (0-1)
Who knew this one would end up sparking so much interest. Carolina is the loudest 0-1 team in the entire league and a lot of analysts seem to be quite impressed with the way that Cam Newton played, even in a loss. It’s unlikely they’ll look the same against Green Bay, but stranger things have happened. I mean, holy fuck…Amy Winehouse died.
Arizona Cardinals (1-0) at Washington Redskins (1-0)
It would be really nice to see Kevin Kolb throw for 450 and 3 here. But not nearly as nice as it would be to see Rex Grossman throw for four interceptions in the half, then get deported. It’s doubtful that will happen because Arizona’s secondary is total garbage, but it’s still fun to think about. Nonetheless, I have to believe:
Cardinals 24, Redskins 20
Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) at Denver Broncos (0-1)
Hot shit on a bun, and for good measure let’s just say the factory where they made the buns spontaneously explodes at the same time. Broncos lost at home in the rain AND let a guy kick a 63 yard field goal on wet surface. (or 64 depending on how that appeal goes) While I’m complaining about shit, how in the world has Marvin Lewis been able to keep his job since 2003? Seriously, have they resigned to the fact that they are going to finish third no matter what so it shouldn’t matter who’s coaching? … Oh, right…this is the same owner (Mike Brown) who wouldn’t trade Carson Palmer because he wanted to prove a point. I guess he did, but instead the point he ended up proving was that the Bengals will continue to be irrelevant for a very long time. After the Broncos win this game they can go back to whatever it is that they do which I can’t report on due to the fact that I don’t care. Can’t believe I’m making this pick.
Broncos 23, Bengals 7
Houston Texans (1-0) at Miami Dolphins (0-1)
Maybe if Houston does get off to a good start they can make it this year. Even at Miami, this game is very winnable and these are perfect examples of games the Texans have lost in previous years which have cost them playoff berths. If they can manage to stay off Twitter for three and a half hours they can take this one.
Texans 21, Dolphins 17
San Diego Chargers (1-0) at New England Patriots (1-0)
Tom Brady is already telling Pats fans to get rowdy and start drinking early on Sunday. Chargers-Patriots games are fun there’s a real playoff bash-like atmosphere there. Although San Diego did look impressive in week one, the Patriots are as for real as you would expect. Even though you hear every team say at the beginning of the year that it’s there goal to win the Super Bowl, you can actually picture New England doing it.
Patriots 31, Chargers 20
Dallas Cowboys (0-1) at San Francisco 49ers (1-0)
Remember when these mattered? I liked the way Dallas played before everything went to hell. I thought they hung in there on a difficult night against a tough team at home. Plus, I can’t possibly see them losing to San Francisco.
Cowboys 30, 49ers 17
Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) at Atlanta Falcons (0-1)
Now here’s a game that was supposed to be my favorite game of week 2. That is until Altanta basically shit all over themselves against the Bears Sunday. The Falcons are supposed to be one of these “on the cusp of the Super Bowl” type of teams, but usually from what’s supposed to be a high octane offense you’re used to seeing a lot more than twelve points on the board. The Eagles will downplay the fact that Michael Vick will be heading back to face the first team to pay him $100 million but I’m sure it will add some pressure. But if Jay Cutler can make that defense look stupid, the Eagles should crush them.
Eagles 38, Falcons 29
Los Angeles Rams (0-1) at New York Giants (0-1)
This ought to be interesting. Sam Bradford is expected to play in this game despite a bruised right index finger so he will be starting but may be a little bit off. If you saw any of the Giants/Redskins game last week I’m terribly sorry. Hakeem Nicks says he feels “optimistic” about starting this game, given the nature of how well he’s been healing combined with the extra day. Justin Tuck says his neck is feeling better but he’s not going to rush himself back, which is fine with me even though they desperately need him. The Giants blow this one at home and there’s gonna be serious trouble, I can’t forsee it happening.
Giants 17, Rams 14
If I don’t post for a couple weeks throughout the season, it’s because I am extremely busy getting an engineering certificate this year, along with working like a motherfucker. If all goes as planned I’ll be back here Tuesday or Wednesday giving my usual limited and somewhat humorous information about Sunday and Monday’s games.
Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.