Bonus note: If you caught the end of this broadcast, Cris Collinsworth’s dumbass mentioned on the air that the Saints were going for it on third down. Why that motherfucker still has a job I’ll never know.
Bears 30, Falcons 12
Okay, so I was very wrong about this one. I thought the Bears were a fluke, and they still might be, but Cutler impressed the shit out of me Sunday. He showed a lot of character and a great deal of initiative. As for Atlanta, I have no idea what the hell happened there. They made Brian Urlacher look like the player he was five years ago. Maybe the Falcons are a fluke? I don’t know…it’s hard to tell after one game but they seemed pretty shaky.
Lions 27, Bucs 20
The Lions are in a do or die situation this year. They’ve been so poor for so long, and it’s to the point where people are going to stop paying attention just because they have cool uniforms. Stafford went into a hostile environment against a team that narrowly missed a playoff berth last year and played like a veteran. He went 24 for 33 for 3 TDs and more importantly than that, the team really does believe in him. I don’t expect much from Tampa this year.
Jaguars 16, Titans 14
I guess I wasn’t aware this game was on the schedule. Chris Johnson sure played like a little bitch for someone that spent his whole offseason on the internet complaining about being underpaid. And they lost so real fans and fantasy losers alike were both disappointed. If you put a shotgun in my mouth I couldn’t name Tennessee’s head coach right now.
Bengals 27, Browns 17
The only way this could have been more humiliating for Ohioans is if LeBron James was standing at the exits pissing on people as they left. And to think they have to play each other again. But at least then it’ll be over. Unless you’re stupid enough to believe that there’s a chance they could meet again in the AFC Championship game, but if you’re stupid enough to believe that you probably believe in unicorn pussy as well.
Eagles 31, Rams 13
So the Eagles may not be the dream team everyone is expecting to see just yet, but I’d be willing to bet the Rams sold more tickets to yesterday’s game than they will for any other game this year. Vick did seem to be getting chased around a lot but if you can score 31 you’re going to win 80% of the games you play no matter what. LeSean McCoy is slowly becoming one of my favorite NFL players.
Bills 41, Chiefs 7
Sometimes it’s hard when you don’t care. Buffalo could have scored one hundred and eight thousand points in this game and everyone there could have died of asphyxiation and I would have been in the bathroom taking a shit the whole time the story was on Sportscenter.
49ers 33, Seahawks 16
You know what’s real odd? Every year we sit here and complain about how shitty the NFC West is, and every year none of those teams decides to rise up and finish 13-3. You would think that it would be pretty easy: if the other three teams are that bad, it shouldn’t be hard to be a little better than they are. With Jackson in Seattle and McNabb now in Minnesota it’s hard to tell who’s in for a more painful year. Alex Smith had a pedestrian afternoon, I still need to see more of him in clutch scenarios in order to get an idea if he has what it takes. Of course, the 49ers have to get into some clutch scenarios first.
Cardinals 28, Panthers 21
Everyone is talking about the Panthers after this game for a couple of reasons. First off, there’s really know need to discuss the Cardinals at any great length yet. Second would of course be the fact that Cam Newton looked very impressive in his NFL debut, throwing for 422 yards. I am always really skeptical when a guy who’s had immense success in college gets to the pros, as you just never know how his style will translate. Cam Newton had me very worried: I felt bad for the kid because he was obviously the scapegoat for a much larger problem that was occurring within the whole NCAA and he seemed like a nice guy but played a type of football that the NFL rarely sees.
Chargers 24, Vikings 17
Donovan McNabb was 7 for 15 for a whopping 39 yards in his Vikings debut, which tells me that they don’t plan to use him to throw the ball much this year. Why does that guy keep ending up with a fucking job? Where are these rooms full of people who keep deciding that he’s still got it? And is it extremely certain if he ever even had it in the first place? The Chargers won but in the process lost Nate Kaeding for the whole year, which is a shame.
Redskins 28, Giants 14
Since I’m a loyal fan of Big Blue, of course I’m going to be a little more critical than most, but the Giants did just about everything to give Tom Coughlin a heart attack. Bad penalties (particularly personal fouls and false starts) have always been the Giants’ Achilles heel and this year appears to be no exception. I don’t care what any of these assholes playing Monday Morning Quarterback are saying about Rex Grossman, the truth is he isn’t nearly as good as New York made him look. I’m not entirely certain the Giants receiving corps are running the right routes to begin with-why would a coach draw up a six yard pass route on 3rd and 9? Coughlin is ultra conservative, but he’s not dumb. I still maintain that Rex Grossman is not that great.
Texans 34, Colts 7
Anybody who says “one player does not a team make” can go fuck themselves. I’m shocked they even scored at all. It’s interesting how the sports media keeps tossing around this bullshit question about how many games the Colts can win without Peyton Manning. The answer is zero. They can’t fucking win any – There’s no under on this one. Kerry Collins is old as hell from a physical standpoint, and the game has changed a lot since he first came into the league.
Ravens 35, Steelers 7
This is the one that’s most surprising to me. Baltimore is no longer a defense-only team. They are very serious on the offensive side of the ball, and for a game that was supposed to be a defensive struggle, it sure as hell wasn’t. The Steelers turned the ball over seven times, and Hines Ward got his bell rung by karma. (and then got pulled over on his way back to the sidelines) Not one bit shocked by Ray Rice averaging 5.6 yards per carry.
Jets 27, Cowboys 24
Regardless of Romo’s questionable decision making, the real story here to me has to be Nick Folk nailing the game winner. Kickers get a lot of shit for being soft but that was an extremely high pressure situation and he was money. Dallas did blow it though they had that game in the bag and there was no excuse for losing.
Patriots 38, Dolphins 24
Although stats aren’t everything, you have to be impressed with Tom Brady throwing for 517 yards on opening night. Not bad when you consider that this game was tied at halftime and Miami was still in it.
Raiders 23, Broncos 20
Easily the sloppiest game played this weekend. It rained, there was a shit ton of penatlies, and Jankiowski somehow tied the NFL record for the longest field goal ever made. Champ Bailey and Brandon Lloyd are among those banged up this morning, as well as Elvis Dumervil.
Back with my picks on Friday.
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