NFL WEEK SIXTEEN

by Ryan Meehan
 
Here are the predictions for week sixteen:
 
Pittsburgh Steelers 31, Carolina Panthers 3
 
What twisted pervert scheduled this one for week sixteen?  That’s just wrong.  At least it’ll be on Thursday night so no one will see it.  Troy Polamalu is questionable and if you ask me there’s really no reason for him to play and risk further injury. 

Dallas Cowboys 16, Arizona Cardinals 14

I gotta give it up to the NFL Network here ensuring everyone that has only basic cable won’t get this game.  Bravo Rich Eisen. 
 
This week’s battle of ineptitude:

Detroit Lions 21, Miami Dolphins 16
 
Are the Dolphins really worse than the Lions?  Probably not.  But for the sake of not actually having to research it, let’s just say that they are. 
 
Baltimore Ravens 28, Cleveland Browns 27
 
Expect this one to be closer than you might think.  I’m still waiting to see that one huge game from Joe Flacco where he just goes ape shit and cleans everybody’s clock.  Not to be negative, but I’ve been waiting for that all season and it hasn’t came yet.  Until it does, I can’t really proclaim the Ravens as an elite team, even in the AFC. 

Philadelphia Eagles 34, Minnesota Vikings 13
 
After this week, Philly will know whether or not they can begin to sit guys down.  If anyone missed it, the Vikings were celebrating when they were down two scores like their season was still intact.  What a joke.  Can’t believe it’s almost 2011 and we’re still debating whether or not Brett Favre will start and continue to add to his already padded career statistics.  The Eagles had one of the most impressive come from behind victories in NFL history last week against New York, but their defense struggled in the first half.  Expect them to get some good practice in against Minnesota’s mostly impotent offense. 
 
New York Giants 19, Green Bay 17
 
This one is very difficult to pick.  The Giants are coming off of a loss that could set a franchise back a year or two.  Either way, don’t expect it to be pretty.  I’ll take the Giants because phsyically they are healthier, but emotionally who knows…

New England Patriots 42, Buffalo Bills 9
 
Look for a slaughter like no other in this game.  The Pats know they should have won last Sunday by at least 20 points, and they won’t let it happen again.  I’d be shocked if this one wasn’t a total blowout. 
 
Seattle Seahawks 20, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 18
 
I’m taking Seattle in this one, I’m not sure if it’s wishful thinking or the fact that I don’t want to pick either team and just hope someone can finish the NFC West at .500.  The Bucs have lost 4 of their last 6 and in the 2010 NFC South, that’s a mistake that you can’t make. 
 
Jacksonville Jaguars 16, Washington Redskins 13
 
Lots of running the football going on in this one.  (By that I mean not passing)  The Skins will start Grossman again so look for another power outing from him in his home state.  Ryan Torain has put up good fantasy numbers on a bad team and look for him to be the No. 1 guy next year.  
 
Chicago Bears 24, New York Jets 16
 
Whether I am right or not, this won’t be a high scoring affair.  I have to take the Bears though in this one because offense is what scores you points and I can’t see Mark Sanchez getting down for 350 and 4 TDs against a deense like the Bears.  
 
Kansas City Chiefs 29, Tennessee Titans 16
 
Boy, I had no idea how weak the Chiefs’ schedule really was until right now.   

St. Louis Rams 17, San Francisco 49ers 12
 
I can’t do anything else but hope that the Rams win out and Sam Bradford makes the playoffs in his first year as a pro football player. 
 
Houston Texans 31, Denver Broncos 24
 
The Texans couldn’t possibly be so unlucky that they lose to the Broncos could they?  Then again, they did lose to Tennessee last week. 
 
Indianapolis Colts 23, Oakland Raiders 17
 
Colts will win this game, but I was a little surprised that an experienced quarterback like Peyton Manning left Austin Collie hanging out to dry like that seeing as how he just returned from an injury.  Collie has been place on IR again with his second concussion of the year.  Oakland is still in the hunt but is kind of at the mercy of whatever the Chiefs and Chargers do at this point, and it certainly doesn’t help to have to face a guy like Manning with an inexperienced (and in some cases, a little TOO experienced) defense.
 
San Diego Chargers 35, Cincinnati Bengals 0
 
Even though Kansas City will probably win the AFC West, San Diego is the better team that just happened to suffer through a pitiful start.  In their defense, they came out on the other side looking great, but more importantly hot at the right time.   
 
Atlanta Falcons 31, New Orleans Saints 30
 
Game of the week, and on a Monday night nonetheless.  The Falcons are one of the more fun and entertaining teams in the league to watch.  I’m looking for a shootout here and let’s hope no one gets injured because it’s very likely we will see this matchup again divisional playoff weekend. 
 
A few other assorted observations: 

1)  Donovan McNabb going on the radio and saying he is being disrespected has to be one of the gayest things I’ve ever heard of in my entire life.  First off, he’s played terrible this year.  The Redskins are 5-9 and you could hardly expect that from a guy who had that kind of contract extension.  Second, the night that he signed that contract extension they got fucking crushed at home.  You know who I think got disrespected?  All of the fans that bought season tickets only to see Washington be miles from contention two weeks from the end of the season.  
 
2)  Has anybody seen any of the recent (as in the last couple of days) photographs of the Metrodome in Minneapolis?  Why in the world are they trying to reconstruct that roof?  PUT A NEW ROOF ON THE JOINT.  It’s a multimillion dollar facility, it’s not a fucking quilt.  Get your shit together. 
 
3)  In the middle of the week there was a story that came out suggesting that New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is being asked by the media if his wife posted foot fetish videos on the internet.  Usually I don’t care what a player or coach does in their free time, but I think this story is great.  I think it’s funny because right now someone with you work with has a foot fetish and no one in the office has any idea.  They go home and put their “Ten Little Piggies” DVD in and just go nuts.  If I was Rex I would be making a huge joke out of all of this, crying at press conferences and showing up with assistants that would carry little black squares around to place in front of his feet so no one could see them.  I’d be milking this for all it could ever be worth and then some.  And hopefully this will create a ripple effect where other celebrities come out and admit they are part of the foot fetish community.  You have to admit it:  If Al Roker came out tomorrow and said:  “You know what?  Me too!” You would laugh your ass off. 

Will your team be one of the final twelve in contention for the ring?  Will anyone step up in the NFC West?  In the NFC it’s likely that either that New York or Green Bay will miss the playoffs, but which one will it be?  (There won’t be room for both)  And what will Alan say how any of this relates to Ricky Martin’s sexuality? 

Thanks again for visiting First Order Historians for more of the internet’s finest in user generated content. 
 
Meehan