Social Commentary



Ladies and Gentlemen, the forty-ninth president of the United States

by Ryan Meehan

I can’t really remember the moment that hand sanitizer went from being this luxury item that only rich people have in their bathrooms to being such a necessity that there’s a tub of it on the counter of every single fucking Dairy Queen in America.

At this point I should also mention that if you read this column shortly after you read the beer pong one you’ll probably think I’ve become an angry grandfather.  I will become an angry UNCLE in a few months, but in all fairness some of the stuff I bag on in my column is stuff I never would have done when I lived my life with reckless abandon.

I’ve read a few things in the news about the growing trend of teens and preteens ingesting hand sanitizer to get buzzed.  The hand sanitizer I have in front of me now is 62% ethyl alcohol (that means 124 proof) which is between 100 proof anything and grain alcohol (such as Everclear).  That’s awfully strong.  That’s stronger than every 80 proof rum or vodka in the world and just stronger than RumpleMintze.

To be fair, I do remember there was a buddy of mine who lived in my neighborhood that told us about how a bunch of kids he went to (a Catholic) school with were selling Listerine at school.  And you know what?  I kind of understand that.  At least Listerine has a minty taste to it.  I’ve never tasted hand sanitizer (and won’t just for the sake of this article) I’m assuming that it isn’t the greatest tasting stuff in the world.

What blows my mind is that a lot of these reports are coming out of Texas.  Man, these people must be pretty desperate because from everything I’m reading on the internt heroin is only like ten dollars a bag in Texas, which makes for a lot of high school kids using heroin.  These kids must be in quite a pickle to have to make the decision between feeling like shit and REALLY feeling like shit.

There are even reports of kids sniffing hand sanitizer.  Check this out:

And that kid got ARRESTED.  It’s going to be rough explaining that at every job interview the rest of his life.  At least good for him that he won’t have to explain it to every prostitute he attempts to pick up.   Unless she’s into that sort of thing, in which case they’re probably going to need to get a room.

Maybe I’m just a jaded old crank.  But at least I’m a jaded old crank that doesn’t drink hand sanitizer.

Thanks again for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying some of the internet’s finest in user generated content.


0.000000 0.000000


Leave a Comment