Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about beer pong becoming popular. I don’t know much about it, but I do know it involves ping pong balls and most things that involve ping pong balls are weak. And as someone who has never understood the need for drinking games to begin with, beer pong begins its journey on my shitlist.
I guess this game is played by bouncing ping pong balls into beer cups. I’m not going to go into any further detail about the semantics of this because it isn’t necessary. You just have to know that it looks ridiculous.
Here is a step-by-step breakdown of the only real drinking game that I happen to know of:
1. Purchase large bottle of Liquor, preferably a handle (1.75 Liter)
2. Find something creative to do once you have your buzz on (Like a musical instrument, or a piece of writing that you’re doing, or any other worthwhile creative outlet)
3. Drink from bottle.
4. Repeat Step 3 until whatever religious figure you believe in becomes present.
Awfully easy, huh? No cards, no bullshit rules to remember, pretty straightforward. No Presidents, no Assholes, none of that shit.
The dickless morons I’ve observed describing beer pong make it sound like it should be in the Olympics. I work at a retail mall and there is actually a store that has beer pong tables for sale on display right in the front of the store. The picture above is from that display.
I actually woke up hung-over a few weeks back and flipped on sports talk radio and they were talking about beer pong. With all of the crazy stuff going on in sports right now they were actually using national airtime to discuss this nonsense.
And just in case you were wondering, here is a sentence from the Wikipedia page about beer pong:
“In early 2009, news sources claimed a recent study by the U.S. Center of Disease Control (CDC) stated that beer pong was contributing to the spread of Herpes, Mono, and other diseases through shared cups. The CDC quickly responded as the CDC had not done such research, however the U.S. National Institute of Health (NIH) does suggest avoiding the sharing of eating utensils to prevent the transmission of certain contagious viruses such as herpes.”
Isn’t that GREAT news? I’m sure it’s not much of an issue, as most of the people who would play beer pong probably all have herpes anyway.
I also learned from Wikpedia that there is a World Series of Beer Pong. The winner actually takes home $50,000 and they actually use the fucking ring announcer from the UFC (Bruce Buffer) to call the championship match.
I won’t drink out of anything that has been violated by a ball that bounces on anything before it lands in a cup. And I drink quite a bit.
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