b3o3s0 - YAHOO! TOP TRENDING TOPICSAs Courtesy of Yahoo! Home Page

By Ryan Meehan

Yahoo! is my homepage. I use it because it’s not a very busy site that takes forever to load. At least, it used to be like that…

Recently Yahoo! has taken to jumping on the pop culture bandwagon, and now offers a depressing indicator of how backwards our society is when it comes to what we “care” about. I am well aware that there are still a few intelligent people who qualify for American citizenship, but I’m also aware that most of those people are either dead or flew to the moon on a unicorn a long time ago.

Now if you read my columns, you understand that no one is guiltier of constructing lists as I am. It’s a relatively simple format. In the spirit of those very lists, Yahoo! has a special function upper right hand corner of your screen tells you at that moment what the ten most searched topics on the internet are. And for the love of God, I sure as shit hope they wrote that program wrong and haven’t bothered to fix it.

So here are some snapshots of the trending topics, some are just segments of the list that have disturbed me, but I can assure you that all of this is true.

Here’s an example of a section of this list that pops up on the right side of my homepage the evening of April 8th, 2010:

6. Jimmy Fallon
7. Iphone
8. 2010 GA6 Asteroid

In possibly the most ironic situation that could ever happen, sadly a world where the Iphone and Jimmy Fallon were more important than an asteroid that could wipe out our planet, said asteroid would probably knock Jimmy Fallon on his fucking ass WHILE he was on his Iphone before it even came close to destroying the rest of mankind. At least I think that’s what God would want.   Why didn’t I list 1 through 5 or 9 and 10?  Because I’ve made my point with those three.

Just three hours later: 2:32 AM April 9th, 2010:

1. WNBA Draft
2. Addams Family Musical
3. Tina Fey
4. Camilla Parker Bowles
5. Nicolas Cage
6. Montcoal, WV
7. Letters to God
8. Rihanna

This one gives me a little bit of hope since writing an omnipotent being did manage (although narrowly) to edge out Rihanna, who I had no idea was still famous. But there is plenty to tear one’s hair out in the rest of the list. First of all, there’s no way that the WNBA draft is the most searched ANYTHING ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME FOR ANY REASON. Second, whoever had the idea of turning something as shitty as the Addams Family into a musical should be thrown in a wood chipper and every one of their living relatives should have to watch it with their eyes stapled wide open to the front of their skull. Maybe there was some promotion those people had paid for which allowed them to shut off every telecommunications channel in America and then hire people to search for that bullshit, resulting in it being the second most searched item online if but for just a while. Whether this happened or not, either one should be considered unjust and wrong in the eyes of God, who was unavailable for comment as he had to head over to Google to continue to drum up more hits than Rihanna who is right on his tail.

Tuesday April 20th, 1:45 AM

1. Conan O’Brien
2. iPhone Rumors
3. Christina Applegate
4. Kelsey Grammer
5. Boeing X-37

This setup I don’t really have much issue with at the top, as I can totally understand why people miss Conan O’Brien. Late night TV right now feels like a million porcupines massaging my dick with their backs at the same time. Did Kelsey Grammer get some other 20 year old woman pregnant again? Why is he in the news?

Wednesday April 21st, 2010:

1. Crystal Bowersox

2. Jennifer Aniston

3. Illegal Immigrants

4. Siobhan Magnus

5. Aziz Ansari

I’ll tell you exactly what it appears could have happened here: It looks a lot like whoever was “compiling” these statistics saw “Illegal Immigrants” and then just frantically copied and pasted the two names from the news cycle that sounded most like terrorists, then left for lunch and came back and just copied a couple names of whatever horseshit electronic devices Apple is pushing this week.

Even though I didn’t record 6-10, I can assure you that number 6 wasn’t “Al-Jazeera”. And I’ve always been shocked in general that they would name any kid Al in that part of the world. But boy was I wrong. Even the television stations are named Al. It’s almost like they have a certain code or something.

Wednesday April 21st, 2010: 11:29 PM CST

1. Ipad Ban

2. Flying Car

3. Jennifer Aniston

4. Leonard Nimoy

5. Tim Urban

6. Siobhan Magnus

7. Kate Goesslin

8. Sheep Pig

9. Cyrstal Bowersox

10. American Idiot

This gives me a little bit of hope, as more people are concerned with a flying car than who Jennifer Aniston is banging…but at the same time, I have to wonder what is so special about her gash that she has to be in the news all of the time. It would be interesting to find out what’s going on there. Kate Goesslin is the one who is famous because she had eight kids, right? I still have an issue with that being more important than a sheep that is also a pig. Any band that makes an album that can be turned into a musical is not punk rock. Green Day blows.   Any band that if you go to amazon is suggets that “you may also like Douche Rocket and Pansy Division” sucks.  That’s that.

Next Result:

Wednesday April 21st, 2010: 11:44 PM

1 iPad Ban

2 Flying Car

3 Siobhan Magnus

4 Kate Gosselin

5 Sheep Pig

6 Boeing X-37

7 Tim Urban

8 Jennifer Aniston

9 Casey James

10 Leonard Nimoy

Spock dropping to the bottom of the pop culture order. I figured. But how did the iPad ban continue to hold the top spot when Jennifer Aniston is doing whatever it is that she does? At least we are still interested in flying cars. Who the hell is Tim Urban? Is he a country singer? Should I know who he is? And unless Spock is dead he shouldn’t be on this list.

Thursday, April 22, 2010 6:02 PM

1. Sandra Bullock
2. Earth Day 40th Anniversary
3. Vanessa Hudgens
4. Bristol Palin
5. Johnny Depp
6. Annie Lennox
7. NFL Draft
8. Sheep Pig
9. Ninja Slug
10. Bangkok Explosion

Man, this sheep pig is apparently getting a lot of action. And that many people are wondering what Annie Lennox is up to? The only one I clicked on was “Bangkok Explosion” because that just sounds awesome. I think we played a show with Bangkok Explosion at Lumpy’s. And for crying out loud ENOUGH ABOUT SARAH PALIN’S DAUGHTER. Seriously. She had a baby it’s not like she cured fucking lupus. Let’s Move on. Good Lord.

Friday, April 23rd, 9:30 PM

1. Faith Hill

2. Bo Obama

3. Eliza Dushku

4. NFL Draft

5. Bret Michaels

6. Sandra Bullock

7. Siobahn Magnus

8. Leonard Nemoy

9. Dodge Tomahawk V10 Superbike

10. Face Transplant

For those of you that aren’t up on “political” info, Bo Obama is the president’s dog. I think Faith Hill is where all of those people who find Jesus’s image on potato chips gather to meet each other and ironically discuss how out of touch the rest of the world is. And spock? Still in the news…I found out he recently retired from acting and went to some city in Canada that was actually named Vulcan. Still don’t think even both of those things times ten would be enough to make it the eigth most searched topic in cyberspace.

To be fair, Bret Michaels was only the lead singer of Poison. POISON. If he doesn’t make it, it’s not going to be a huge loss for the music community. And while I’m on the subject, who thought it would be a good idea to create a reality show where a bunch of ex strippers try to fuck some diabetic bandana wearing has-been? “Face Transplant” rounds this list off nicely. That’s classic.

Tueesday, April 27th, 2010:

1. Bret Michaels

2. Molly Ringwald

3. Hugh Hefner

4. Rihanna

5. Amy Winehouse

6. Rob Zombie

7. Fat Princess

8. Corpse Flower

9. Peanuts Gang

10. Deepwater Horizon

Man people are really concerned about Bret Michaels. And I can’t blame them, seeing as how…no, no, yes I can. Shame on them. Molly Ringworm is still alive? And John Hughes isn’t? Where is the justice? Hugh Hefner is in the news because he put up the money to “save” the Hollywood sign, but with all that dude has done I’m not sure why he would even care…Did Amy Winehouse OD again? She should probably stop hanging out with the Peanuts gang if that’s the case. Didn’t they teach those kids in school to avoid gangs? Corpse Flower is yet another example of a great band name but as it turns out, it’s just a flower that smells like death. But still easier to justify at #8 than Spock.

I could go on forever, but I think you get the point.


The main thing I noticed was about how much of this search information is regarding so-called famous people. Which is precisely what I find to be so suspect. It’s a double edged sword: If these aren’t the top trending topics at the moment, what does that tell us about what a site like Yahoo wants us to be interested in? On the other hand, if these ARE the most searched topics, how are those of us who are sane ever going to get through to the people who keep searching for shit like this? Or should we just hunt them down, bury them up to their heads in the dirt and fire up the riding lawn mowers? I’m a libertarian but I think this might be one situation where I would actually favor government intervention.

So in a turn of events rather unprecedented, I have actually learned from the error of my ways, and have changed my homepage to Google. A white screen with one line on it that I can type anything I’m looking for is really all I need. Simple things for simple minds. In other words, I’ll be back right here in ten months with a column about how much I hate Google.

Thank for once again visiting First Order Historians for more of the finest in user generated content on the internet.


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