By J-Dub and Eight Thirty Seven
Every year about this time, it is tradition here at Dubsism and First Order Historians to write a piece trashing the Super Bowl contestants. The reason why we do this is actually rather simple: The Super Bowl is the biggest sports event in America, and as such, it draws in all the casual fans who don’t pay attention to football until now. That means those of who watch all the sports we can need to provide crucial information the newly-arriving fan may not know.
If you are a football fan of J-Dub’s vintage status, having the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl means being treated to a 25-plus point blowout in which the Mile High Geldings get sent to the glue factory. That’s what the 1980’s were all about. Denver would manhandle a collection of waterheads like the Cleveland Browns, then go into a full-on disaster mode rivaled only if the Titanic could be
captained by the guy who changed the formula for Coca-Cola and sailed it all the way to Chernobyl.
Hell, even the last time the Broncos bolted to the Super Bowl, it was “Fetushead” Manning who rode those ponies to a 35-point ass-hammering. The common theme here is John “Horsey Face” Elway. Elway is single-handedly responsible for guys like Doug Williams and Phil Simms getting their Super Bowl wins, and barring a major miracle is going to join Peyton Manning with Brett Favre as guys he kept in the “one-win” club. Before you start feeling sorry for Manning, stop and consider what happens if “Fetushead” and the Colorado Fillies actually win.
First, let’s go back to that whole “black quarterback” drum ESPN has been beating. If the Manning-led Broncos win the Super Bowl, it will do nothing but lend credence to the those knuckle-draggers who insists on making race an issue in everything from football to tiddlywinks. Face it, if you are pulling for Peyton; you’re a Nazi.
“Meine Sponsoren sind Nazis zu!” – Sung to the tune of that Nationwide jingle. Get all “99 Luft Ballons” with it.
While the World Wide Bottom Feeder known as ESPN is pumping out it’s “Feel Good ” narrative to get all the Manning-Not-So-Youth goose-stepping down the strässe, it really struggles with the obvious fact that Peyton Manning’s career is headed to the “giant forehead selfie” in the sky. They don’t want to admit it, yet they can’t ignore it. Just when you thought a pre-Super Bowl media interview couldn’t get any more painful, they found a way to take it to the “Spanish Inquisition meets prostate exam” level.
It just feels like somebody putting red hot stuff in our collective ass every-time the question comes out about whether “Fetushead” will put himself and the rest of us out of his misery if he wins this game. Every journalist in the world knows this question is more tired than a narcoleptic marathon runner, yet they continue to beat this question harder than a French chef on a bowl of egg whites.
Think about this…they keep trotting out the same questions expecting a different answer from a guy who is more predictable than your ears popping on a flight. By now, you’ve probably heard every single analyst in America and half the ones on Al Jazeera make that stupid “riding the horse off into the sunset” analogy, which is the epitome of hack-fuck writing playing with the fact he plays for a team whose mascot happens to be a horse. One can find more imaginative writing in a book with pop-up illustrations.
Then there’s the analogy to John Elway’s “going out on top” by ending his career with a Super Bowl victory. We all know how “Horsey Face” (see “Hack-Fuck Writing 101 for instructions on making that joke) struggled for years in the Super Bowl only to get gorilla-stomped by opposing quarterbacks ranging from all-time greats such as Joe Montana to Velveeta sandwiches like Phil Simms. We all know Elway went out with two straight Super Bowl wins, which sets up the “Hack-Fuck 102” course to whip out every possible configuration of that comparison.
Here’s where that shit falls apart faster than a Wal-Mart sweater. First of all, Elway had the balls to come back for another helping. Second of all, Elway could still play; he didn’t have a neck and shoulders with the structural integrity of a 3rd-grader’s Lego model. Watch Manning throw the ball on Sunday; he’s got a bigger wind-up than Hideo Nomo; his throwing motion now is like tying a Jai Alai scoop on the end of a Dutch windmill blade. He’s more over-done than a Golden Corral steak.
We’ve both borne that out on our websites. Despite the recent overtures from the soon-to-be Los Angeles Rams, Manning’s chances of being successful in the NFL next year are akin to that of Dr. Phil’s shot at a Nobel Prize in Medicine. The bottom line here is Fetushead would only hang around to collect Super Bowl rings he left on the table during his exceptionally over-rated career. We all know he should have two, which is really the magic number here because the last thing he wants look at his even-weirder-looking little brother and know he doesn’t have as many as that little mouth-breather. We wouldn’t be listening to this “hanging around” nonsense if Peyton hadn’t tossed that game-killing “pick-six” in the Super Bowl against the Saints.
If that weren’t enough for you, consider the following. Even if Manning manages to hang on long enough to win three rings (we all know that’s not happening, but suppose for some reason it does…that’s how hypotheticals work), that would only be to try to erase the “big game choke artist” rap which weaves throughout his career. There’s a reason this graphic has been used more than once on Dubsism:
Here’s the problem. Manning really wants to be in the “Greatest of all Time” discussion, and the big thing that fucks up that concept is the lack of winning when it matters. A while back, J-Dub did a list of Greatest All-Time Quarterbacks, and he devised a list of seven criteria which mad comparing guys across eras of professional football possible. One of those criteria is winning big games, and if you look at those criteria and look at Manning’s career performance since that ranking….well, you don’t need the supercomputers at NASA to figure out why Manning would likely be going down on that list and his arch-nemesis Tom Brady is only going up.
It all comes down to this. If the Broncos win, Peyton Manning wins, which means Cam Newton loses, which means you are a racist. ESPN said so, therefore it’s true. Moreover, if Manning pulls in another ring, and he has anything significant to do with it, it’s going to further this silliness we have in America with old guys using whatever they can to pretend they are still 26.
So, if you are cheering for the Broncos, you are hoping America’s airwaves are filled with images of Peyton Manning in a Speedo selling us yet another round of dick-hardening drugs, or some new hair-growth/replacement stuff made from Guatemalan fetuses to cover his Fetushead.
If you are wishing that on all of us, you are worse than a Nazi.
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J-Dub and Eight Thirty Seven