by Ryan Meehan
Week fifteen started out on Thursday with another one of these NFL Network gems between the Falcons and the Jaguars, but the bigger news was surrounding Chicago Bears wideout Sam Hurd’s trip to a local steakhouse. Everything would have been fine, as it’s not considered a crime to order a steak in Illinois. Unfortunately, he also ordered a kilogram of cocaine and one thousand pounds of marijuana too from someone who also happened to be a drug enforcement agent. As you can probably guess, he’s facing 40 years in prison, and to make matters worse according to reports he had plans to move the same amounts of both drugs on a weekly basis.
As for the football, we saw the only remaining undefeated team lose and the only winless team become victorious. There were more than a couple games that would qualify as upsets, and I noticed a major trade in the scoring this weekend for you number crunchers that read FOH: Almost every week I try to pick the games based on the strength of the teams playing, but when it comes to picking the scores, it makes sense to pick scores that mathematically come up more often than not. This week for some reason, I either decided to not do that or just pick incredibly predictable scores that didn’t come up at all. (See any 24-21 finishes here? Of course you don’t. I stopped playing football in sixth grade. That renders me incapable of picking games) Let’s see what we got:
Falcons 41, Jaguars 14
The Falcons are going to make the playoffs and that’s really the only thing you need to know here. If you had more than a hundred dollars on this game your gambling problem is fucking completely out of control. Did I say a hundred? I meant ten. I can guarantee you we won’t see much out of the Falcons once the playoffs start.
Cowboys 31, Buccaneers 15
This is pretty much what I expected. Dallas is in the driver’s seat once again and even though they don’t deserve to make it they probably will. Can I say something without hurting anybody’s feelings? Tampa Bay is a hideous excuse for a football team. Just awful. Josh Freeman is not the quarterback of any NFL team’s future, and in addition to that he seems like a huge douchebag.
Seahawks 38, Bears 14
While most people around here are bewildered wondering what the hell happened to their precious Bears, the fact that everyone is overlooking is how well Seattle has played the last six weeks when their season was essentially over. How crazy is it to think that the Seattle Seahawks are the post Week 15 bubble team in the NFC? They would need a miracle for it to happen, but it is pretty nuts. Now, the Bears…It’s interesting that when Jay Cutler was struggling, everyone was going off on their offensive line and saying it was their fault for not protecting him, now that Caleb Hanie is starting everyone’s saying he’s a shitty QB. And he is, but it’s not like that offensive line has gotten any better. I don’t get it. Thankfully, I don’t have to because the Bears won’t be joining us for the postseason.
Redskins 23, Giants 10
Eli Manning threw three picks on no touchdowns. My father pointed this fun fact out to me: The Giants had three touchdowns called back for penalties. Their only scores the whole game were a touchdown and a field goal. Talk about digging yourself out of the quick sand…Wow…So, two of those were on one possession so you have to figure that it’s only seven points total lost out of two call backs. Even so, if they wouldn’t have made those mistakes they would have been right in the thick of this game. Instead, they got swept by the Redskins this year. And one other point I’d like to make, remember how last week before the NYG-DAL game everybody was saying how whoever won that game “controlled their own destiny”? Well, now I hate that statement even more than I previously did (which was a lot) and it shows exactly why you don’t jump to conclusions about stuff like that. The Giants won that Dallas game and now they just shit the bed and the Cowboys are in control.
Bengals 20, Rams 13
As I’ve said here many times before, because of the division that Andy Dalton is in, he might have the best career in NFL history that doesn’t matter. There was a weird moment in this one where one of the Rams got flagged an additional 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct because one of their offensive lineman said “fuck” and the ref’s mic caught it and it broadcast to the whole stadium. Which if you ask me is kind of a silly penalty because if you penalized everybody that swore during an NFL game every single one of them would last at least eight hours.
Saints 42, Vikings 20
Not really anything out of the ordinary here. The stats are what you would come to expect from Drew Brees who didn’t have a goddamn thing to worry about, because once you double team Jared Allen, the rest of the pieces will fall into place. Brees threw his fifth touchdown in this game before Christian Ponder threw his fifth completion, no bullshit. If you would have told me the Saints scored 73 points in this game I probably would have believed you.
Carolina 28, Houston 13
Since I didn’t see this game, I’m going to go ahead and assume for their sake that the Texans gave up since they’ve already won the division. Carolina is going to be good next year when they can start with a clean slate. For now, they’re mired in the bottom half of the NFC South with Tampa so people are going to naturally associate them with that. But they have a couple solid running backs and they can go into next year knowing that Cam Newton is their guy.
Patriots 41, Broncos 23
Well, it was bound to happen at some point: Tim Tebow got Tebowed. One of the darker sides of the golden boy is the fact that he was sacked today for a loss of 29 yards on one play. That tied an NFL record that was previously held by Bob Griese, which made my jaw hit the floor because I figured if anybody would have held that record it’d be Fran Tarkenton. The point is, the same explosiveness that can make you a good player can also make you extremely vulnerable or in this case, toast. The Patriots looked very impressive running up 41 points on the Broncos who’ve played some amazing defensive sets this year.
Cardinals 20, Browns 17
I don’t want to hear about anything regarding these two teams that doesn’t have anything to do with their young developing running backs. If you don’t have some sort of story about either of those two I don’t want to hear any of this. I know that’s a cheap out so that I don’t have to discuss the fucking Cardinals-Browns game, but if that’s what I have to do to avoid it I’ll be climbing out the bedroom window every time the robbers come. If someone in your household was watching this game when they could have been spending time with you, that person is definitely mad at you about something.
Colts 27, Titans 13
The only thing worse than being the only winless team is being the team who loses to the only winless team. That has to suck big time, and it’s now a reality for the Titans, who had to have this game and they ended up losing anyway. This proves what I have been saying all year that the Titans are total pretenders and should have never let go of Vince Young.
Chiefs 19, Packers 14
So the Packers finally lost at home to a team with an interim coach. Stranger things have happened, but the Chiefs have shown some streaks of genius this season and this was obviously one of them. I didn’t really think the Packers were going to make it all the way without losing, and now even though some might contest it’s a dumb argument, now they are alleviated of that pressure and will likely be able to focus on winning every game throughout the postseason. Green Bay also had only ten passing first downs which is a little unorthodox for them.
Dolphins 30, Bills 23
This was one of the games I discussed in the opening that I should have just picked to be a predictable score. In the end, I didn’t and in this case it was exactly the score I was originally going to pick in the first place. Of course that does me no good now that the weekend is over and it doesn’t mean shit for me to try and convince you to into believing that, but what can you do? Ryan Fitzpatrick threw three picks again, and if he’s going to be the man going forward they’re going to have to fix that or it could be pure misery for a long time, especially for a city that’s miserable already and doesn’t have a domed stadium.
Lions 28, Raiders 27
Usually when the game is resting on Sebastian Janikowski’s very broad shoulders, it’s a lock. Even if it’s from over 50 yards, he’s one of the most talented kickers in the NFL today and easily the most talented left-footed kickers in NFL history. But when you kick it from that far out, your first priority is to kick it low because you need distance. But when you do that, you risk the kick getting blocked, which is exactly what happened. Carson Palmer made a few mistakes on the last drive that a veteran usually doesn’t make, and should have known on that second to last play that if you have that much time, with a team like Detroit one of those ends is going to get to you. This win pretty much secured that barring some unspeakable act of God the Lions will make the playoffs, but will probably be late because they’re either stealing your grandparents’ tombstones or killing your pets.
Eagles 45, Jets 19
As a tear rolls down my face…But for who? The Jets committed 11 penalties and gave up 400 plus total yards, so would you expect them to lose by anything less than 26 points? LeSean McCoy now has 20 touchdowns on the season, and Eagles fans have to be thinking that if the first half of their season didn’t go so poorly, they’d have just as good of a chance as anybody to make it to the Super Bowl. But seriously, the real story is the Jets blowing this game. They’re just simply not cut out to make a playoff run this year, and the clips from this game is video graphic evidence.
Chargers 34, Ravens 14
Wow, how weak. The Ravens were in place to keep the one seed after Houston blew what wasn’t even rightfully theirs. And then they went and blew it by losing to the Chargers, who lost six straight games in the middle of the season. Here’s a quick synopsis of the teams that Baltimore has lost to so far: Jacksonville, Tennessee, Seattle, and San Diego. So if they feel like they aren’t getting the respect they deserve, it might be because they didn’t deserve any respect in the first place.
49ers 20, Steelers 3
This game was delayed for a little over a half of an hour due to either a power outage or just the general fact that Candlestick Park is a shithole that probably should have been knocked down the day Steve Young retired. So Big Ben comes out, throws two picks, and then the goddamned power goes out again. It’s going to be interesting to see the stories that come out about this in the weeks to come. To be honest, even though Roethlisberger was feeling an immense amount of physical pain, mentally he just didn’t look like he was there tonight. ESPN had some new sideline reporter that was terrible. And by terrible I don’t mean “funny” terrible, I mean “How in the world am I selling cell phones for a living when this guy has a killer broadcasting gig” terrible. And there was an odd moment where the Steelers were flagged for “interfering with the opportunity to make a catch” on a punt where they recovered the fumble, whatever the fuck that means. Most all of us are pretty confused about the rules by now. I have to admit I didn’t think Frisco would show up the way they did. Good job by Jim Harbaugh getting those guys to show up big on a huge stage, and Aldon Smith is a beast.
NFC Playoff Picture:
I know I usually sit here and proclaim that it’s over before it’s over, but it’s over here. The NFC Playoff picture will not change due to some serious malfunction. The only thing that will really change here is the seeds.
1) Green Bay (13-1)
2) New Orleans (11-3)
3) San Francisco (10-4)
4) Dallas (8-6)
5) Atlanta (9-5)
6) Detroit (9-5)
Seahawks, Giants and Bears all on the bubble but to say it’s a longshot would be a serious understatement.
AFC Playoff Picture:
1) New England (11-3)
2) Houston (10-4)
3) Baltimore (10-4)
4) Denver (8-6)
5) Pittsburgh (10-4)
6) NY Jets (8-6)
The Bengals are in the seven slot which means they’ll be big Giants fans this week as the Jets take on Big Blue at MetLife Stadium.
At this moment, I still have the Packers and the Patriots in SBXLVI. Packers by four, and both teams still can’t play high quality defense.
Week Summary: This week proved that one rule always remains the same: Anything can happen. Next week Bellmyer is our guest, so that’s going to be interesting and you’ll want to check it out for sure.
Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.