by Ryan Meehan
For some reason I seem to be a little bit more interested in politics as of late, but it might just be the ridiculousness of the landscape. So it’s not my place to really bitch about this but I recently noticed something about the upcoming 2012 election that’s so glaringly obvious it isn’t even funny.
At some point over the past ten years, I have become what a lot of people consider to be a conservative even though I find those terms completely useless. New York real estate mogul, television star, and all-time jackass Donald Trump has been teasing the media with the idea that he may in fact run for President of the United States next year.
Now usually putting a guy with astronomical amounts of money into such a high public office is not a good idea because someone like that has so many special interests that the lobbyists will most likely drown in their own saliva before the inauguration. That’s not the problem. Some hardcore Republicans have brought up the fact that Trump’s candidacy may cause the GOP to lose focus on Sarah Palin becoming the next president, and that he may need to run as an independent if he can’t get the Grand Ol’ Party’s nomination. But that’s not the problem either. Others have dismissed the notion saying that Trump is simply trying to drum up attention for his reality television show “The Celebrity Apprentice”, on which he is supposed to make an announcement May 15th regarding his presidency. Only, that’s not the problem as well. Nope, the weakness of Donald’s candidacy hinges on one simple fact: He cannot be president because he’s a germaphobe.
Let me explain: What does every politician have to do to become successful? They have to be able to shake hands with potential voters. Trump is terrified of shaking hands with anybody, and he’s admitted it on several occasions. He’s a self-described OCD sufferer that’s been known to wash his hands several times in a row for no good reason. So how in the world is he going to earn the respect of voters all across the country if he isn’t willing to swap sweat with the average Joe? Most of these people don’t know anything about Trump other than the fact that he’s rich and if he can’t somehow level with them, there’s no way in the world he’s going to be the guy that carries enough red states to ensure a GOP victory in 2012.
Now, I’m not saying that I disagree with Mr. Trump’s stance on bacteria…I’m actually horrified of germs myself and I am guilty of using hand sanitizer between these very paragraphs. But, in my defense I’m not running for president. I don’t have to shake anybody’s hand at all to get on the internet and yell about how much of a dumpster fire our culture has become.
Hard to believe that a guy who just got “roasted” on Comedy Central is now running for president. Here were the guests at that event: Jeffrey Ross (eh…), Snoop Dogg (only one I’ll give you), the orange guy from Jersey Shore (douchebag), Whitney Cummings (not funny, probably wouldn’t even have got a special if she wasn’t good looking), and Ice-T (old, irrelevant). Who’s his running mate going to be, Carrot Top? His current empire is based on a show called “The Celebrity Apprentice” where he gets all of these C list celebrities to help him come up with iced tea flavors and then he fires everybody but one person. My father and I were watching it the other day waiting for the news to come on the other night, and Trump was in the process of firing either Gary Busey or the lead singer of Sugar Ray. And I thought: This guy thinks he can be president?
Even on that show, Trump sits at what seems to be barely even shouting distance away from these people. That’s when I realized how weird his business meetings must be: When Trump’s looking to fuck somebody out of fifteen million dollars or so, he has his people lead them into one of these very intimidating rooms, feeds them a line of his signature horseshit as he closes the deal, and then doesn’t even have the common decency to shake the other guy’s hand. If you ask me not only is it a cop out, but I’d be willing to bet that if Donald Trump’s net worth was only a few thousand bucks and if he did have to work with his hands for a living, his fear of microscopic particles would disappear almost instantaneously.
And this is more for me than just some hack comedian’s shitty joke about his hair. I really actually can’t believe any of his people haven’t mentioned that the germophobia might be a problem at some point. Having that much money sometimes means that you’re surrounded by so many “yes” men it’s almost unheard of for someone to tell you “no”. Still, you’d think someone would have brought it up by now.
Maybe this is a perfect example of the financial failures our nation has suffered due in part to bad decision making. Maybe it shows you the great lengths rich celebrities are willing to take to inflate their own ego. Maybe I’m just a dick and I don’t have anything else to write about. Whatever it is, it’s definitely a sign of desperation. And you can’t blame it on the Republicans because they haven’t even decided if they want to claim him yet.
“Make sure you don’t miss that last exit, because once you hit that bridge you’re headed over the river, and once you finally do get off the interstate, it’s like a fuckin’ bomb went off over there” – Jeff Hudson
Thank you once again for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.
by Ryan Meehan