by Ryan Meehan
Working in retail, I’ve already been subjected to the blistering torture of hearing the music of the holiday season. Christmas and other holiday related activities seem to be starting earlier every year. But I don’t want to be left out of the party, so I’m going to go ahead and use this opportunity to do what I do best: Run my mouth and crush the dreams of those who are too festive for their own good. Let’s do it…
1. “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”
Nothing is annoying as repetition. And nothing says even more annoying than several verses of constant repetition. There’s like a million verses to that song. It just never stops. Almost all of these carols date back to 16th century England so if I ever do get to go back in time just once, the Kennedy assassination is going to have to stand so that I can go back to Britain in the 1500s and smash all of those instruments to prevent these people from writing any of this shit. Additionally, I’ve never once run across any sort of fig-related dessert. Infact Christmas almost never includes pudding, and when it does it’s generally cooked by someone who can’t cook well enough to make something as simple as pudding work.
If that weren’t bad enough, Pop/Punk/Horseshit band Relient K covered the song in 2008, therefore adding strength to my theory that everything those guys have ever done has been complete water buffalo shit.
I really hope no one comes to my apartment complex caroling this year. With the way the world is nowadays, going up to anybody’s door uninvited is risky so I should be fine.
2. “Deck The Halls”
Jibberish is rarely looked at as lyrical genius in any style of music. You know that Journey song “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’” that culminates with Steve Perry singing “Na Na Na Na Na Na, Nah Na Na Na Na” for what feels like weeks on end? I feel the same way about Deck The Halls. There’s really no reason to have to follow every single phrase with “Fa La La La La, La La La La”. And although it sounds homphobic, I hate the line “Don we now our gay apparel”. It’s not so much that I take issue with the word gay, it’s just that nobody ever fucking talks like that anymore. It’s the same reason I don’t like “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing”, not because I have anything against angels personally, but with the exception being that song, I’ve never heard anyone say “Hark” out loud before. As for “Deck The Halls”, I’ve never donned any gay apparrel, trolled the ancient yuletide carol, or ’tis’ed the season to be jolly. And if you ever catching me following anybody around in merry measure, I give you full permission to beat me to death with a lead pipe. It’s rough to even think about writing anymore with regards to this song without choking somebody by ramming tinsel down their throat.
3. “Last Christmas” by Wham! – 1984
Speaking of gay, how long did Wham! try to make music that created the illusion that they were straight? I understand that they needed to sell records and it was hard to do that the way they really wanted to do it. I’m well aware if had approached the record company with “We Just Can’t Wait to Snowball This Christmas” we might have never heard of George Michael again. The video is unspeakably vomit inducing. Pretty much anything with Wham! in sweaters or turtlenecks would be enough to make me puke. The clip starts with George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley taking their girlfriends to their home (that they share) located on a ski resort in Switzerland. However as the video progresses (I can’t believe I just used that word) it becomes apparent that Andrew’s girlfriend had been in a relationship with George’s character earlier in their lives. The premise itself is hilarious, as if this was a real-life situation the only thing those women would be worried about with regards to being cheated on is why the two guys they’re dating live in a house together in the Swiss Alps and are constantly staring deep into each other’s eyes.
After the focus shifts to the girl who’s obviously fucked both of the dudes in Wham!, the other girl almost disappears from the production. She was probably headed to the clinic. Even though there is no sex in this video, I’d bet the farm both of those women got tested shortly thereafter.
Bonus note: As I was researching this topic, I found out that Andrew Ridgeley isn’t gay. Well, not entirely. He has been
dating the lead singer of Bananarama for years…I’m not kidding: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keren_Woodward
4. “Little Saint Nick” by The Beach Boys – 1963
It’s almost sacreligious to criticize any 60’s Beach Boys music as Brian Wilson was one of the greatest songwriters during that era. However that song is pitiful on another level. What’s especially bad about this one is they didn’t even get the number of reindeer correct. I’m not joking…there’s a line that says: “And a half a dozen reindeer with a Rudy to lead”. If my math is correct, a dozen = 12, half of a dozen is six, plus one equals seven. If I remember correctly, there were eight reindeer in the original sled team and Rudolph was the ninth one. So they cheated this legendary story out of two reindeer. Now it is possible that when they went up there to research the situation before they recorded the song that Prancer and Vixen were in a different barn getting it on so they only counted seven. I always thought there was something fruity about those two.
Another thing about this track is it describes his bobsled like it’s intimate with it enough to make Ms. Claus a little jealous. Check out the manner in which they sing about his vessel: “Just a little bobsled, we call it old Saint Nick, And she’ll walk the toboggan with a 4-speed stick, She’s a candy apple red with a ski for a wheel, And when Santa gives her gas, man, watch her peel!”
So, is Saint Nick Santa Claus or is Saint Nick the sled? I’m confused. Earlier in the song they mention that he “spends his whole year workin out on his sled”, but maybe that’s just a euphemism for polishing his dick for all of the intercourse he’s about to have which I’ll discuss here in a minute. Either way, the guy doesn’t seem to be very skilled at time management. If he spends all year fluffing his rocket, and then tries to deliver presents to every Protestant household in the world with a twelve hour period it might be time to get this guy a new secretary. Even if he started in October he probably wouldn’t have anywhere near as much pressure as he does on December 25th every year.
5. “Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer”
As much as I normally enjoy the elderly being trampled to death by animals, I’m not a fan of this one. The instrumentation to this song sounds pretty cheerful compared to what the lyrics are intimating. It starts out by giving details of Grandma’s last evening on earth; her declining condition due to alcoholism and her tendency to forget to take her prescription drugs: “She’d been drinking too much eggnog, and we begged her not to go. But she forgot her medication and she staggered out the door into the snow.”
Should grandma even have been drinking any alcohol at all if she was on medication? That’s hell on your liver. But at least the rest of the first verse has some words any child can sing along to: “When we found her Christmas morning, At the scene of the attack, She had hoof-prints on her forehead, And incriminating Claus marks on her back.”
I guess I never realized how grisly this song was. It could be a track from Deicide’s “Serpents of the Light” album, right between the title track and “Bastards of Christ”. Up until the “Claus-marks” part of course. That’s not a very clever play on words. The worst part of this song is the next to last verse where they discuss what to do with Grandma’s gifts…”It’s not Christmas without Grandma, All the family’s dressed in black, And we just can’t help but wonder: Should we open up her gifts, Or send them back?”
Nothing gives the impression of pissing on the grave of someone who died of reindeer-related causes than even considering keeping her gifts for yourself. If I ever die from being trampled by a reindeer around Christmas time (and I probably won’t because I’m not a pussy), I want everybody to bury my ass with every single one of those unwrapped presents even if it means purchasing a larger coffin. How dare you think about opening up those gifts at the time of my death?
6. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
First the sled, and now the guy’s laying the wood to mom? That’s harsh and could result in some serious vaginal splintering. Plus if Daddy finds out Mommy was kissing Santa Claus, if that bitch also happens to burn the pot roast for Christmas dinner there’s going to be a lot more domestic violence than figgy pudding up in that household. Plus, why was she only kissing him? If she’s going to cheat on her husband, she might as well blow the jolly old guy so the kids can get some nicer presents. They’re probably going to end up in foster care after the divorce and the murder-suicide anyway. But just a kiss? A kiss probably doesn’t mean shit to Santa Claus at this point. I hate the whiny vocals in this one too…whoever sings this one sounds like Justin Bieber did right after his second sex change operation.
To suggest marital infidelity is one thing, but banging Santa Claus isn’t something that any marraige counselor is going to be able to fix. Santa get around. And just when you though Santa was done getting some action, he was just getting started…
7. “Santa Baby”
Every version of this song that has ever been recorded is horrid. I am currently hearing a Taylor Swift version of it right now, and I know that both Madonna and Britney Spears did one as well. It’s incredibly sexually suggestive for a Christmas song. Here are some saucy tidbits: “Think of all the fun I’ve missed, Think of all the boys I haven’t kissed…” That line might as well say “Savin’ myself for you, Gramps…now drag that crusty beard over here and make love to my sweet ass”. If you can visualize Taylor Swift saying that last sentence it’s much funnier than just reading it out loud. And “Come and trim my Christmas tree”? You’ve got to be kidding. Fuck the holiday season, I make my girlfriend “trim the Christmas tree” even if it’s the middle of June.
This song is abnormally uncomfortable because she is basically bartering for gifts with sexual favors. Listen to some of the shit this girl wants: A ring, a yacht, an “out of space” convertible, and my personal favorite: A deed to a platinum mine. This woman would almost have to proposition Santa Claus to get him to even consider buying her any of this stuff. Can’t she just be happy with some new clothes and some stocking stuffers? Trust me, you don’t want to piss the guy off: One year I asked for Santa to put a swimming pool in our backyard, and I ended up getting Lupus. That motherfucker’s got mob ties.
Once again to prove I’m not just storm clouds and downpours, there are a few Xmas songs I don’t loathe. “O Holy Night” is a great song that has a very powerful chorus and is extremely well written. As much as I’ll probably sound like an old fart for saying it, Bing Crosby was pimpin’ before pimpin’ was pimpin’. He was completely hammered and stoned when he used to record all of those songs that have become such family favorites during the holidays and that’s extremely entertaining to me, so “White Christmas” is still safe. While we’re on the subject of getting trashed, Willie Nelson’s version of “Frosty The Snowman” is also a classic that people of all ages can enjoy without having to look at a CT scan of Willie’s liver. Maybe I just really don’t understand Christmas in general. I’m a Christian but I just can’t see what all of that has to do with Santa Claus. It’s odd how if a fat man in a red suit slides down your chimney on December 25th, he’s Santa Claus, but then if he does that any other day of the year he’s a burglar. It’s got me thinking I need to start dressing up and breaking into people’s houses on Christmas and then if someone does wake up, I’ll just hold my stomach and shout “Ho Ho Ho” before I have to hightail it the fuck out of there.
So happy holidays, hope everybody has a fun time with the family, drive safely, and all of that other stuff I don’t really mean.
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