By Ryan Meehan
I can’t remember the last time a month or so went by where I wasn’t hearing something about something or other month, week, or day. Now there are a couple charities that have been doing great work for years, but if you can’t remember the month or week that some of them represent, it doesn’t mean they aren’t good charities, it just means that there are way too many agendas anymore and as a member of the public I would like to remind these individuals that rarely do we as Americans respond well to overload.
That being said, it took me way too long to complete this, and that’s where the title comes from. And why not?
Everyone else gets their own day, week or month. I am that everyone right now. I just haven’t been the last 25 or so days.
There are a few that are fractionally humorous, like January is Beard Month (?) but the bite of material like that dies really quick and you’re usually left baffled at the number of people who think that their particular situation is important enough to designate certain time periods that we are supposed to be on “high alert” for certain activities. Let’s go through the year shall we?
January is not only Beard Month, but it’s also California Dried Plum Digestive Month. Which isn’t all that funny. But seriously, how can you not laugh at the fact that it’s also Bath Safety Month And Birth Defects Month? It’s all right, no one is looking at you. But they can trace this if you’re reading it at work. And I’m not sure how they come up with the funding to raise awareness for Poverty Awareness Month, but I think we get it. I know that dude isn’t there to fix our cable. The guys that fix our cable drink Jack Daniels, not Kessler.
When it comes to weeks, there is actually a “Someday we’ll all Laugh about this week” from Jan. 2 to Jan.9 which I’m assuming you would only celebrate if none of your friends or neighbors hadn’t either caused or been killed in a drunk driving accident the morning before. It’s also World Leprosy Week form the 23rd to 29th, but if your hygiene is poor enough to worry about your chances of leprosy, you shouldn’t be reading this article because you were supposed to be in the “quarantined” line. Sheesh, you’d think our Medical System would be able to see sores like that. But maybe they were on a smoke break.
February there’s actually a holiday that guys go out and buy their girlfriends super expensive chocolate and roses that they end up forgetting at the hotel. Valentine’s Day stimulates the economy for a brief period but then for the next 18 years and 9 months it has to support that same economy, which is where the whole thing drastically fails. Those economic feti will eventually grow up to be junk bonds from hedge funds and have their earning potential disappear in the night like so many ripped condoms.
But that’s not all…February is also National Marijuana Awareness Month and National Jobs in Golf Month. (Just rent Caddyshack) It’s also Spunky Old Broads Month, so check your local male revues if you’re chasing those SSN checks. It’s National Weddings Month too for some reason, which is completely off the mark as pretty much every wedding that I have attended or stolen produce from have been in June.
March brings one of my least favorite days of the year is St. Patrick’s Day, mainly for the way it has been bastardized by America into an excuse for anyone of ANY ethnic background to attempt to drink as much as humanly possible. But that isn’t the funniest thing being brought to light. Want to know what is? That March 13th is National Earmuffs Day. I SHIT YOU NOT. They actually assigned a day to try and get people to bow to the earmuff agenda, and then they go and DON’T EVEN BOTHER TO PUT IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER. Epic Fail.
Root Canal Awareness week starts on March 28th. From what I’ve heard from people that have had that delightful little procedure, this is completely uncalled for. Trust me, you’ll notice someone ripping one of your teeth out. I can almost guarantee it. If you can’t notice someone ripping your teeth out you probably drink WAY too much Moonshine. Also, Make up your own holiday day is March 26th, but I’ll address that later in this article.
April starts out with April Fool’s Day, which is a holiday for people who aren’t actually funny enough to write anything humorous themselves like to display their doucherocketry by pulling pranks that end up causing their friends to drive into trees. Which is usually something that I fully support, but in this case, we’re assuming it’s my tree, it’s 5AM, and I have just gone to bed. In this example it is also assuming I’m LOOKING for an excuse to test the cannons I just bought that shoot pitchforks.
But April additionally gives us Cleaning For a Reason Week which I’m a big supporter of because I spend a lot of my free time worrying about whether my neighbor REALLY needs to dust her mantle. April 15th is McDonald’s Day. Yes, like the restaurant. I know. Just when you think McDonald’s couldn’t care any less about the American consumer, they go ahead and declare the day that your taxes are due a day you also should go and purchase beef that is injected with hormones that are responsible for almost every health, insomnia and obesity related problem in America today. The 23rd is Talk like Shakespeare Day, but I have to warn you that if you celebrate that around me for more than ten minutes, I’m going to put you in the hospital. Period.
May is Jewish-American Heritage Month, which is weird because while I was researching April there was a “Be Nice to Lawyers Week” so I guess I just thought that we had covered that already. But that’s not going to detract me from celebrating Bread Pudding Recipe Exchange Week from the 1st to the 7th, not because I like bread pudding or even cook, but because that’s hilarious. National Dog Bite Prevention Week is from the 16th to 22nd, but I don’t have to worry about it because I usually just try to not get bit by a dog all year.
If you’ve got kids, there’s a LOT of different things that you’ll have to watch out for in May. Like Osteoporosis, Hepatitis, and Latino Books. So if you don’t want your little ones to grow up to make awful rap music, have weak bones, and get a ton of STDs, take note. And May 2nd – 8th is both Children’s Mental Health Week, and National Drinking Water week, so maybe we can see if those two things are related. And if your kids are getting on your nerves during Kids Win Week during that same stretch, you can remind then that it’s National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week and show them how to use your credit card to go to the store and purchase you a bottle of rum. May 25th thru the 31st is National Week of Solidarity with the People of Non-Self Governing Territories Week. But look, it’s almost two in the morning; I’m not looking that one up.
June is National Pharmacies Declare War on Alcoholism Month, which is hilarious for so many reasons that would make great jokes but halfway through this sentence you’ve probably already thought of all of them. I am going to continue to follow whether or not awareness of this agenda increases. And if I can find a picture of someone driving drunk into a pharmacy at any point in my life, I’m coming right back here and posting that picture.
The 20th – 27th is National Mosquito Control Awareness Week. I guess if I have a vote, my vote isn’t not going to be “Kill Them” for a very, very long period of time. But that’s not nearly as painful as the fact that the 6th through the 12th is National Headache Awareness Week. It was also National Stress Day on the 8th but it hasn’t been celebrated because they really just couldn’t handle the pressure. Bonus fun fact: June 27th is both “Happy Birthday to You” day and “National HIV Testing Day”. Hearing both of those things in the same sentence kind of makes me have flashbacks from Headache Week.
July also gives us Be Nice To New Jersey Week from the 4th through the 10th. (Editor’s note: Searched for several minutes actively looking for “Get New Jersey to Apologize for All of that Pollution Week” with no success. But you still have to check you know? – RM) The 15th through the 21st gives us National Rabbit Week AND National Venrtiloquism Week, so if you’re a ventriloquist that has a rabbit in his act…I guess…you’re not reading this you’re probably at the truck stop giving handjobs to drifters. Gotta love that Wi-Fi! The 18th through the 25th sounds like a great business opportunity to me: National Restless Legs Syndrome Week and National Independent Retail Week. So get out there and open up a retail store that stocks different products that will staple you to your bed. Also, the 10th is National Teddy Bear Picnic Day, but I’m going to warn you that they’re going to KNOW you’re on PCP. Tiger Woods will try to celebrate National Getting Out of the Doghouse Day on the 19th. But then he’ll cheat on it with the 25th and some left-handed guy will win all of the golf tournaments.
I’ve always kind of though of August as “Cruel Summer” by Bananarama, which I probably shouldn’t write, but it’s nowhere near as ridiculous as the fact that August brings us World Breastfeeding Week from the 1st thru the 7th. August 1st is Girlfriend’s Day? So we have Valentine’s Day, Sweetest Day and now Girlfriend’s Day? How much money does Hallmark need?
August 6th is National Fresh Breath Day, but with failed logic. August 7th is National Mustard Day, cancelling the whole thing out. It has to be pretty depressing to celebrate National Chocolate Chip Day on the 4th, then celebrate National Underwear Day and International Beer Day on the 5th but then have all of your booze soaking undergarment strutting dreams crushed by Hiroshima Day on the 6th.
The 8th is National Sneak Some Zucchini onto your Neighbor’s Porch Night. Now convince me that doesn’t sound like a creative euphemism for anal sex. And Just because it’s National Water Quality Month, remember that it’s NOT NORTH AMERICAN WATER QUALITY MONTH, so if you are heading to Mexico I’d still take the bottles. But my favorite has to be the fact that the first Week in August is National Clown Week, the second week is National Resurrect Romance Week, and the third is “National Safe at Home Awareness Week”. I said it before, and I’ll say it again: It’s all about placement.
In September, I would be celebrating Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month, but because I write columns like these, to put it mildly I don’t get a ton of fruit baskets most months let alone one set aside for that type of gratuity. It also happens that September is Great American Low Fat, Low Cholesterol Pizza Bake month which TOTALLY makes sense now because now I understand why everything in September tastes like moose shit.
September is National Pleasure Your Mate Month, here again not something I need to observe because I just try not to have boring sex. The 19th through the 25th is both Deaf Awareness Week and National Turn Off Your TV Week, which works out really nicely for those people.
October gives us Halloween on the 31st. That’s the one where everyone at the party gets to dress like an animal that’s also a stripper. It’s also National Family Sexuality Education Month, which I would want to be anywhere near if I lived in Kansas or Arkansas . (“Maw, alla Mallory’s kids look like Paw!!!”) The 10th to the 16th is National Metric Week. This was shocking to me because the 17th ISN’T National If You Are a Carpenter You’re Going to Get Fired for All of the Shit you Did the Last Week Day. The 9th is also Pro-Life Cupcake Day.
The 24th through the 30th of October is actually the only thing that I saw during the course of writing this that actually may interest me a bit. It’s National Prescription Errors Education and Awareness Week. I’d be a great instructor for something like this. I would make sure and tell all of those children that if they run into any Xanax scrip that had an extra zero on the end of the milligram column to bring that piece of paper to me immediately, so I can either hand it over to the authorities or just hang out and not answer my cell phone for 30 days.
November means my birthday is approaching, and since I rarely get the opportunity to celebrate my birthday, I’m making a rule here that says I get to make up the days and weeks for the first half of this entire month. November 2nd is going to be National Mushroom Stamp Awareness Day. I’m well aware that no human can physically see their own forehead, but you’re going to need to pay extra attention to avoid a humiliation that will follow you around until your death if you find yourself in that predicament. The 6th will be National Worship Meehan’s cat day, in which Americans will be required to buy Isabella lavish gifts that she will never even look at. I’ll be able to sell these goods on Ebay to support my carrot cake habit. November 8th is my birthday, so I think we’ll go with no holiday on that one. However, November 8th – 14th will be National Everybody Has to Wear a Diaper but Meehan Week. Just for the sole purpose of my own personal entertainment. It should probably be National Nipple Pinching Awareness Week just on principle alone, but here again it’s like the teeth pulling thing, I’m sure you’ll know…
November 14th will be National Burn Day. It just will. I’m cool with keeping the air clean all of the other 364 days of the year, but on the 14th I say if no one buys your couch on Craigslist let’s cook some marshmallows over that shit.
The 18th is National Married to a Scorpio Support Day, like the deck wasn’t stacked enough against me to begin with. But by this time, I’ve left the country so I won’t be able to enjoy the rest of the year. Let’s just say the North Koreans were really impressed by my resume from the first half of the month.
December is the last month of the year where all of the world’s most irrelevant organizations (that have realized that all of the other most irrelevant organizations have their own time period to alert you of their agenda) rush to make sure we know about Sympathy For Herpes Sufferers Week as we sit down to share the holidays with people we love very much but don’t want to have a conversation about herpes with.
December also wraps up the year with International Ninja Day on the 5th. National Cotton Candy Day is the same day as Pearl Harbor Day. So seriously: Fuck the Cotton Candy people. There was WELL over 300 untapped days (that are actually important and didn’t make this article) during the year that they could have chosen and they went with that one. National Chocolate Covered Anything Day is on the 15th, and I can think of so many ways to end up arrested because of that. I suppose if I didn’t do all of them at the bus stop I could save some money on bail.
National Candy Cane Day actually falls on the 26th. What did I say earlier about placement? The one agenda that could actually get away with sharing the birthday with the Son of God goes limp and makes me wait until the Habs are celebrating Boxing Day. And the 30th? National Falling Needles Family Fest Day. It’s the perfect time to bond with the quadriplegic heroin addict at your workplace. You really have to be dragged a mile in their stumps. And New Years Eve just hours later, is “World Peace Meditation Day”. So if your headphones are up loud enough to block out all of the people falling to their death off the decks of your apartment complex, you’ll wrap up your year in enlightenment. Until your friends call you and make you drink a ton of Miller Lite. And I’m telling you, you gotta see this guy’s deck, man!
Say we want to assume that this world (our modern existence) lasts for about 20,000 years. Actually, I’ll be generous and I’ll give you 30,000 years for the total existence of whatever this experience is that we consider modern life. And over that period of time, we keep the same 365/6 day schedule that we have always used in the Western World. Could you imagine what this article would look like when we were one tenth of the way there? In a thousand years? There would be so many days that absolutely none of them will matter. Twitter might have owned Christmas for hundreds of years and by then people might have lost interest in TweetClaus.
So don’t celebrate any of this stuff. It’s a wash. Trust me.
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