The Lamest Excuse Ever
OK, for this week’s blog I have to address an excuse that I am seemingly always presented with. Two of my favorite things to watch on television that aren’t sports are “To Catch a Predator” on NBC, and “COPS” on Fox. It’s not so much I enjoy the exploitation of people who are obviously lacking in some sort of mental capacity as it is the excuses they give for their actions.
For quite some time now, I’ve been presented with a very odd circumstance, and I knew that it was a load of shit the first time I heard it. In certain situations during the last decade, I have found myself at odds with a particular individual who possesses some awful character flaw. And in whatever social circle it might be it is commonplace to accept this particular character flaw. And when this particular imperfection is questioned, you hear the acquaintances of this moron bring up the same bullshit excuse:
“That’s just Lisa, that’s just how she is…”
Wait, seriously? You have to be out of your fucking mind to believe that’s actually a justifiable explanation for someone being a complete cunt. I mean, really…is this how bad things have gotten? In all seriousness, if I was walking out of work and two guys I didn’t know were lurking around my car, and when I got up to the door one of them had my stereo in his hand, do you really think I would accept the scenario if the other guy said “Awww, shit…that’s just Darnell, he do dat all the damn time. That nigga’s crazy…” Of course not, I would probably charge after the dude, try to slit his throat with my car keys, and if I could get him to the ground AND get his pants off, I’d probably really make sure that motherfucker never stole another car stereo for the rest of his life. (It’s called “street justice”…We used to have it a long time ago, but for some reason we don’t anymore. Now we have law enforcement. It’s similar except now they wait until the criminal is in an area where police and criminal are not being recorded with a video camera, and THEN the rape starts. Minor difference. – Ryan)
Now, most of you reading this blog know me very well. You know I enjoy being graphic when it comes to describing whatever hypothetical-miscarriage related quandary, or any of the other crazy shit I say to throw people off. And several times I have had people try to explain to the pathetic individuals that are offended by such comments that “That’s just Meehan”. I can almost hear Hillbloom’s disclaimer for one of my comments as I write this. And you know what? That excuse is never good enough. And that’s fucked up, since I’m just telling jokes. You would think that an adult, or someone who would claim to be an adult, would pick up on something like that. Yet every time, I see this horrified look in these people’s eyes as if I had kidnapped their child. Hmmm…That kind of makes you wonder. I’m not saying I should be able to get away with this excuse, and I probably shouldn’t, but usually these are the same people who have these awful character flaws, and make the same bullshit excuses for their selfish behavior.
Of course, the lesson here is that “Lisa” isn’t being a cunt because that’s just who she is, she’s being a cunt because some really cool girl overhearing her mindless drivel never walked over from the bar with a glass ashtray in her hand and broke her fucking jaw. “Lisa” has learned through the human process of conditioning, that if her peers are willing to continue to risk getting facial reconstructive surgery to defend her idiocy on a nightly basis, that there is no reward for her changing her shitty behavior. And fucking shame on those people for propagating such a hideous dysfunction of the human race. As they say, if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem. Those of us who don’t spend all day in a cloud of delusion would have no problem helping you drink two gallons of bleach to kinda speed this thing along. Email me and I’ll send you my phone number. Bleach is on sale right now at Dollar General anyway.
In the last part of this blog, I also wanted to mention that I have been floating around 200 pounds as of late (as measured by the very helpful and VERY Caucasian speaking employees at ZLB Plasma), and I am extremely disappointed with that. I am considered “slightly overweight” for my height, but I don’t fucking care because that’s enough to want to really knock this problem out once and for all. I never really considered myself overweight until lately, and I’m getting back to at least 175 by the end of the summer and that’s the end of it. Overweight people take up entirely too much room in this country, and I’m sure it doesn’t do a lot for how countries like Iran and North Korea feel about us. They think we’re fat slobs because a lot of us are. But I’m done with it. Seriously, I’m not going to put up with this shit anymore at all, and I’m definitely not going to listen to excuses from people about obesity anymore. You know, the “It’s my bone structure…” assholes that come up with shit like that all of the time. And it’s sad because those douche bags don’t even realize that when you eat better, you feel better. Healthy eating has a positive affect on your mood, anxiety and stress levels, and aids in all sorts of other improvements throughout your life. As for me, I’m done pounding cheeseburgers and drinking a gallon of 2% milk every night. I’ve just been fucking completely disrespectful to my body and those around me by not taking proper care of it. And for that, I’m truly sorry.
Notice how I didn’t say “I like cheeseburgers, that’s just me, deal with it…” I think things are getting better already…But if I get shitfaced tomorrow night and start lighting cars on fire, you just tell everybody that I’m into arson because that’s just what I do.
“You do what you do tolerably well, Mr. Groening, now you must ask yourself: Is it worth doing?”
Ryan P Meehan – (FOH / WordPress) Quad Cities USA (Why am I signing my name like it’s on a fucking rave flyer?)